I am ready...
In this point in my life despite what I have endured and gone through and despite what I have survived of which just as anyone else I do what I can to do the best as I can, I am ready for a few different aspects to fully take form.
Fist and foremost I know I have done everything I possibly could for my children despite the circumstances of which I have endured, and though I wish I could have been able to keep both of my children until they were eighteen years old; however I knew at the times I had always done everything possible to be done as I could to ensure the best I could for them. I wish I could have been more of what my daughter Lidia Louise and my son James Michael needed in their lives through being stronger, smarter, and more adept for each and every situation to be able to have them in my life and I in theirs as a good Mom or Mommy (depending of which name is preferred as children grow up mine and I believe others usually start with calling as Mommy before growing older and calling as Mom) does with the least amount of embarrassment of me for them. I also knew despite what situations occurred I was giving them all I possibly could while doing what I could do maintain my sanity during the various tribulations of which I had endured for their survival and comfort, while giving them the security and consistency of which I could. Though some other people both parents and non-parents alike made fun of me for being too structured when it came to their schedules and making sure they always had the ability to know if they needed me, I would jump at the chance to ensure as such. In the short term of time that was allotted despite not knowing it would be more limited than the short amount of time of eighteen years, I did everything I could to make every millisecond count towards the most positive ways I could.
In order to maintain their childhood and their freedom of expression I made sure to also give them space to play as children do while maintaining a set schedule for their schoolwork and their homework, as education has always been important to me; for I knew I would not always be able to be at their side at all times of which I knew they needed to be made aware of how to think for themselves while also being themselves and enjoying life as they could in their own ways. Though I had been made fun of from others both parents and non-parents for wanting to do simple things such as cooking dinner for them and sitting at the dinner table or counter to have discussions about their days and then individual discussions about what they were concerned about, I tried explaining to the parents of the small amount of time a parent has with their child(ren) in the longer aspects of life and to the ones who were not parents I tried to remind them of their childhoods and ask if they could have their parents redo certain portions of their lives; how would they feel if things were more symbiotic and balanced in comparison to what happened and occurred.
Some of those people told me their childhood was perfect, of which I could tell they were covering up the realities of which; while others who were honest admitted to me there were a few things they wish were a little different. While those might have not gone into detail or if they did had been minimal or whatever level they felt comfortable discussing with me; they also knew I would not and did not repeat what they had informed me of. While they might not have known I was a Reverend at the time, I still maintained such so long as it was not a danger to themselves or others in the moment. Sometimes I had to inform others for example my niece from my ex-in-laws who had gotten a tattoo done by someone she did not know and had not been cleared because of her asking me "Are tattoos supposed to come out of the skin?" I had to inform her mother not to get her into trouble, but to ensure she was checked for blood borne pathogens because of the possibility of the needles being used not being sterile and to get herself taken care of to be healthy and safe should she had gone for another tattoo. Though I also told her not everyone is meant to want or have a tattoo, I was more concerned about her health and well being in the long run.
Needless to say/write as I am back in the state of Texas and realizing certain aspects of which I had written about in "Finding A silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" though more so in reference to my second book though published at the same time "Finding The Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" having certain legal aspects of which may have needed me to go to court about for other people's and groups' justice, of which I have done what I could to inform such judicial agencies of my return to assist in such. Though I had kept the names of the references in the book "Finding The Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" in a coded way to be respectful as for many of those stories I knew there would be many more that could relate to the situations and find a bit of humor while at the same time a break when reading "Finding A Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" because of the heaviness of the material within being somewhat difficult to comprehend of how I or anyone could have survives such treatment and not wanting to cause people to lose hope; I also realized more recently in the earlier portion of 2019 of what could be legally necessary for others of which I had no idea at the time of writing such.
I am ready for the credit of which I have earned through my best efforts to create a life for though I wonder if I was not such a romantic, if I was not such an individual who believed in true love, if I was not such a person who could just let go and be like everyone else in certain regards, if I was not just anyone other than who I am, if I could just stop myself from believing there is that one person I am meant to be with, if I could just let myself give in and sell off as some have, if I could just not have a heart, if I could just be like any other that I have watched obliterate things through life; maybe just maybe I could be normal like them. Maybe I could fit in better or be more accepted but as today I went through to make such plans to try I just could not go through with pushing through with such, though I wrote up so much to try to make things better for myself just as the headache pains leaped through the roof and I was doing what I could to not let it affect me as much as it hurt; I just became more and more disgusted with myself.
I am ready for true love though I am so exhausted waiting for such and though I know I am young in certain ways, in others I am far from being young. Though I comprehend I was born when I was I feel as though I have been waiting an eternity for my one, whereas I have watched others fall so happily into their meant-to-bes as I just wander along.
What good is anything in this world without someone who truly cares to share it with, in comparison to just go along with the motions? What good is it to just be anything other than oneself, but while being oneself is it not worthwhile to be with the one who is supposed to be the proverbial one? Or is it that I am just so foolhardy that I am the only one who does believe, in genuine and real true love in this era? Am I the only one who does believe there is a soulmate for me, just as I have believed there is a soul mate for each person? Am I the only one who is so damn girly but not girly because of my tomboy nature, but girly in ways which would surprise so many people who once knew me (or thought they knew me) that I believe in crawling into the arms and being with that only at the end of the day, and just being myself with my "one"? Is this world's era so far beyond that I am so much further behind than I had originally been told, or am I just so idealistic I cannot get past my own heart? I cannot believe I am the only one who wants and craves "The One" of which whom is meant to be, can I?
Is it so unnatural in this era to want romance, adoration, and truthful acceptance in love? Is it so unnatural in this era to want to truly be cared for and care for the one, without any worry? Is it so beyond the pale to not want to drift from one meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship or one night stand to one night stand, in this era? Is it so unnatural to want that semblance of that truth and meaning when taking vows for marriage, if I were to ever have such in a good way? Is it wrong and has it been wrong for me to not want to just marry any person, to not just settle, to not just accept a ring or proposal from anyone; but wanting the one who is meant for those vows which seemingly so many have taken for granted? Is it wrong in this era for which to actually want that one who lights up the whole day despite what occurred when going home to, who will just with one look the worries and the stress just fade away? Is it so unnatural in this era to actually love, and want that in return? Is it so nuance in this era to genuinely be oneself, and want that not just for myself, but for others as well; in truth, in balance, in actuality, in genuinity, in bonds of which when actually getting to the point of walking down an actual wedding isle and actually taking the wedding vows without being forced to in which to want such to truly last? Is it such an oddity to want someone who sees past what it is that I look but to see the truest love that flows in a positive way, of which the other aspects which so many others have held against me is something more and possibly, even something which is good and makes me their one?
One day many many moons ago I was able to watch someone propose and with such a thing to see, I was genuinely so very happy for them. Though I admit of being envious in a good way of hoping one day the one I was meant to be with would find his way to, well, find me. Though admittedly when in a relationship I have never hid who I am or was or am, but I also never hid the fact of my intentions of the time; while also giving room for the idea if such a time would become evident for such a solidarity in vows. However because of having children, I knew I could not just get married to anyone and I knew I had to keep them safe at whatever cost to myself; because I could never forgive myself if I had married someone who was similarly like my children's biological father, my dead-ex-husband. After what I had gone through to keep them safe as best as I could and I dealt with what I had, such a vow could not be taken lightly; nor should it ever be taken lightly in my opinion. The one person whose proposal I did accept before, I genuinely had thought we could be forever; and I never would have accepted such had I not believed, nor would I have fought diligently when it came to various modeling aspects of which photographers were not happy they had to use photo-shop to get the ring off of my finger. That is to the depths of which as an example of which the seriousness I believe such to be, for such a long term commitment; for I do not believe marriage should be a short term fling.
Do I believe people should live together at some point just to ensure the idiosyncrasies are something to check to see if one can deal with the other's beforehand, just in case? Absolutely if such is a concern, but should not be mandatory if the couple feels such is not a concern. Also when I say/write couple I do not mean only a male and female couple, I mean male and female couple or female and female couple, or male and male couple; just for clarification. While I am Pan-sexual because of my own acceptance of my sexuality and knowing what I do and do not enjoy; I know I cannot be the only person who has had these thoughts. I have been involved with females before however not at any point in time did I personally feel I would ever marry a female, as I know myself; however I do not discredit the LGBTQP community because I believe there are those who are lesbian or gay or bi-sexual or trans... or queer or etcetera who do find others for marriage for genuinely true love; as I always have. Each person in my opinion is meant to find their one, of whichever sexual identity which blends well for them.
However as a side note I personally do not believe it is a good idea to allow children under the age of 18 years old go through changing their sexual gender because I guesstimate their are hormonal changes later in life which would cause such to be irreversible and problems associated with such, would have grave consequences; though such is my opinion. While I do believe there are people who genuinely want to and later on in their lives are meant to after learning who they are in full to go through such surgeries I believe to allow children to do so before 18 years old could be dangerous, and thus I personally am against allowing such drug usages and surgeries before. Each human body goes through various developmental phases of which when something such as transgender occurs the ramifications later on if done too early in their life could be of a consequence which then the parents who allowed such and/or pushed for such instead of allowing the child to truly feel for themselves because of the extenuating circumstances at the time of middle school and/or high school is far too early to allow such, in my opinion. Though I am sure there are plenty of teenagers who would argue with such a point of mine, I am sure there are plenty of people who have been glad they waited and if they went through the surgery it made it that much more special and important for their personal-ness whereas I would also guesstimate there are those who did go through with the surgery at a youthful age who wished they never had; for a multitude of reasons. I only add such commentary because I obviously discussed my children earlier in this writing, and thus I felt the need for clarification.
So, what is it that I am ready for?
I am ready for that actual connection of genuine truth in love, for the long term.
I am ready for my efforts of how much I have done to take off and be fruitfully prosperous, to manifest that which I have worked so diligently to be of goodness.
I am ready (and have been ready) for justice for what has occurred to my children and I, for a very long time.
I am ready for the realizations across the board to take hold, and go forward in a good-natured way.
I am ready to accept the credit for that which I have done to assist and be helpful with in a positive manner, while also assisting with the positive growth of humanity.
I am ready to acknowledge as I have of which I am flawed, but am just as deserving of love and nurture and acceptance.
I am ready for my proverbial one, just as I am ready for a good and healthy and loving and compassionate and truthful marriage.
Though I do not ever want to give birth again (seven days of labor per child I had, 2 children = 14 days of continuous labor before delivery : I know there cannot be one female who is envious or jealous of that as I know there cannot be one fe/male who would ever want to be in a delivery room that long, whether doctor or nurse or medical technician or spouse); I am the type of person who can care about someone else's child(ren) as much as I have cared for my own without being disingenuous or rude to the other parent of whom the children were created, for such prior issues in the one I would be with and the child(ren)'s other parent are not my fault and not for me to deal with in such a manner, nor to be spiteful to. Such would not be helpful to the child(ren) nor the long term relationship on either side and though if such were to be, I also know I cannot replace the other parent but can give just as much love and attention as needed and wanted. Also while I can and could, such is not a mandatory either.
Maybe I am weird for that, but that's me; though I do not believe I am the only one who can be weird
Yes if you want to be with me, you have to accept the fact I proudly voted for President Donald J. Trump twice. I voted for him in the Primary and I voted for him in the general election, and I am going to vote for him in the 2020 Presidential Election as well.
I do not know of any other Presidential candidate who is currently running for the 2020 election for POTUS who I would vote for, though if I were running I would vote for me; then again that might be a bit selfish to write, right?
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