There is a point in my first book I wrote "Finding a Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" which I wrote about my daughter in a specific reference of if she blamed me for what occurred I would understand why she would be mad at me for such, though in such of a writing I had hoped with everything I put together in regards of the documentations and the timeframes with everything; she would see that I had genuinely done everything I possibly could, and would be able to know and comprehend there was nothing more I could have done to keep her and her brother safe. I had given up everything possible for both her and her brother and in such, I metaphorically gave up my life for both of them. I have not discussed nor have I written about how the day I was in the courtroom testifying to the judge and after the verdict was given, the second he hit the gavel to the wooden platform; I instantly felt dead inside. There was not one person who I considered as a friend nor was there one person I considered as family in the courtroom who I knew for years there, and no one who was there to genuinely console me for that aspect. I could not rely on my son to repair or fix the situation, though I had to do what I could for his survival; as the responsibility was mine for my son and my daughter as best as I could, as well as myself and not the other way around. I knew, understood, and comprehended that very much so then and now.
I was involved with a male after the aspect of the Cowboys Dancehall situation who was the only person who kind of knew me at the time, but had not been someone I knew for years or who knew me fully who stood there in the courtroom. I did have a great lawyer who had assisted much, though she would go on to her other cases and be able to do more. I hoped and prayed for my daughter and my son to be able to be resilient enough to survive and live to do and be better, and hoped that what I could do at the times I had been with them would be enough to help guide them in the best and most positive ways possible to be wonderful people; despite all of my shortcomings, and hoped they would be able to be proud of me as their mom for all of time once the intial aspects of the problems had been realized in full. I knew there would be points where they would be mad at me and possibly even hate me, though I hoped they would be able to find ways to overcome such anger with a better view of the world and to be able to survive liging much more positive lives where they were able to know and understand I had done everything I possibly could think of as well as what options which could be done that were suggested which would keep in line with my moral and ethical beliefs.
Me, what was there afterwards?
I had to make sure my son was able to do and be better while hoping my daughter would be able to survive and live, able to get better as well. There was nothing at the time I could do for myself, as what could I do? If a reader thinks to get mental health help, by that time I had already had multiple mental health professionals who were unable to give any suggestions of what I could possibly do for the references of the after effects from my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury; as the combination of how my biological mother, biological father, and biological sister treated me because of such were beyond the scope of their training as well as their colleagues' training. I had spoken with countless spiritual counselors, pastors, priests, and etcetera who were unable to give an inkling of what to look into for betterment of myself not just for the aspects stated, however adding the facts of what I went through because of my now dead-ex-husband and all of the abuses I endured was beyond anything they studied in their schools as well as their training; especially in conjunction of the after effects from my injury, among other factors. Bringing forward the portions of my ex-in-laws among other points in my life mainly after my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury and the treatment I had dealt with, the number of those professionals who had studies and training dwindled as to who could possibly bring forward an idea which would be new or something which could assist if viewed in a different way.
That was all before 7 June 2013 in that San Antonio Family courtroom, in reference of attempts to fix and repair the situations or at minimum the outlook of. After that day, many aspects continued to spiral downward further. After months of previously not having any contact from my biological mother she sent me a message about the 4th of July which the rage and fury filled my entire being as I knew she knew she could have done better though she made the repeated choices to go against such decisions,; though I also subconsciously knew she along with my biological sister had purposely done things to cause problems for my son, my daughter, and I along with my ex-in-laws as they got along quite well. They also got along with several of my ex-boyfriends which the ones they knew I did not particularly care for they liked the way they had preferred my now dead-ex-husband over me; and anyone who I had been involved with who genuinely kept me happy, those individuals informed me of different choices they made to make such problems worse with others as well as some of those they knew who could assist such. Those references are mainly in reference of two specific relationships I had been involved in, as the third one I had not discussed with anyone. Ironically my daughter had wanted me to marry one of those two individuals, though my biological mother and biological sister vehemently despised the genuine smile I had when involved with that particular individual comparatively; letting me know of how much she hated seeing me happy, and hated seeing me smile. There after the Psalm Sunday 2000 after effects, my biological re-reminded me of her multiple attempts to get an abortion when pregnant with me and rereminded me of her attempts to end my life as a child when growing up in New Jersey. One would think if she hated me that much, she would then leave me alone after I had gotten myself emancipated to join the Army branch of the United States of America's Armed Forces; however whatever she could not get over in herself, she made the choices to perpetuate such by moving to the state of Texas to be able to continue on while also pretending it was for my son and my daughter even though my biological sister had destroyed herself with how many individuals she had been involved with sexually. That did not change simply because of moving to the state of Texas, though the numbers did change in an upward manner.
In a different point before continuing on with this journal blog entry, I feel so bad for so many in the state of Texas who have had to deal with my biological mother and biological sister. From my own personal experiences I know how cruel they can be and with their willingness to do such to my son, my daughter, and I their direct connection; I know of how vicious their choices can be, as well as what lengths they would go to cause such problems. However those years ago no one wanted to listen to me as I am me and they are them, and they have the look and the words which many had considered to be better than anything I could say or show at the times of. Some knew and some understood, though had not the fullest extent at those times.
I wound up in Washington state outside of Texas obviously which I fought to stay in before my now dead-ex-husband's death, before the second and final separation to be realistic of such; which then aspects of being electrocuted each second of each minute of each hour of each day of each week of each month of each year I had been there, was extremely painful and unbearable. However I also knew I could not allow such to overtake me, as there were points which I knew would be worse if I allowed such to happen; as odd as that might come across, and as weird as that might seem. I had written of a time when it was suggested for me to try the Spice smoking stuff and the sensations of such was felt in much more excruciating pain than that few puffs of such, for all of that time. On top of the electrocution feelings my skin felt as though each area was being unzipped, my bones felt as though they were breaking and being reminded, my lungs felt though they were exploding to reform and continue on, my muscles felt though they were disintegrating to reform and continue, my internal organs felt as though the inner was twisted outward and back and forth; for just a few small descriptions of the amount of continuous pain, on top of my headaches and migraines and my heart feeling though there was barely a beat per minute. However the only thing I could describe at the times were feeling electrocuted because of how much it hurt to speak further, beyond such details.
The closer to Seattle I would get, the more it felt as though each strand of my hair was on fire and burning while adding additional pain levels in each of those other areas. I did attempt to get help through various measures, though the same aspect which few suggestions. I had one pastor who asked me if I thought about committing suicide because he thought that would be easier for me though he was not the first nor the last who made that suggestion to me by that point in time. I admitted I had thought of such and even attempted such in ways which guaranteed such an end, only to wake up shortly after what side effects would have taken such. I gave examples of attempts after waking up from the coma from my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury when in Medical Hold Unit as well as several other attempts and told him as a joke, "maybe I just cannot die or I have an allergic reaction to dying myself"; which that particular pastor's eyes had widened as well as his skin-tone turned translucent when I spoke, and he understood what I said. Though I had not discussed the SCUBA Diving aspects in reference to healing from the time when going to the area of the Vandenberg, that situation I knew was needing its own aspects to look into which I had not discussed the situations afterwards until more recently in regards of the physical aspects thereof to a degree more-so in writing than anything else; which in such choices I made to not go into that many details of when at the bottom of the ocean in reference to the Vandenberg SCUBA Dive back in August 2009 through to the time until writing "The Adventures of Susan MeeLing, SCUBA Diver Extraordinaire" three volumes; I chose to keep such aspects less known after the dive because of a multitude of reasons. First, I had few words to describe such after surfacing.
Then when few believed me who I knew at the time, I stopped myself from finding the words for such to speak about. When I had spoken of such I chose to only speak about what I had discussed because I was worried about the consequences if I had gone into further details which when I met with one particular doctor I had many different times, he did not know of the fullest aspects at the time; though he had been the one who told me to remember Walter Reed Medical Center, and his stationing there at some point. Though he also knew of the other aspects going on at those particular times, as the last time I saw him was either in 2012 or 2013. Admittedly I do not know if I was being given a hint to contact Walter Reed at some point, or to just remember he was stationed there. If someone who works at Walter Reed knows, please do contact me and let me know as realistically; I have no clue as to what I would bring up though I guesstimate, such would have the questions of what would need to be answered by me. As I have thought about such since returning to the state of Texas, my biggest wondering question is which department would I contact? I guesstimate such a location, might have more than one department; which in turn, which one would I ask to speak with? Though not forgetting the other aspects I have needed to take care of since returning to the state of Texas, which needed clarifications of; while also not forgetting my Medal of Honor Art Project stuff, thus I figured I would be informed if that big of a deal. Though yes, I know there are many aspects of many things going on all at once; especially at this time of 22 August 2020.
Thus back to my original portion in reference of my journal blog entry for this particular one, I know I wrote of if I had to give my life up for my daughter though also my son I would not fight such. In such situations the reality is, I already had. I did not fight my daughter or my son when giving everything I could, despite the situations thereof. In such situations I laid my life down for their survival and their lives without hesitation, without any arguments, without any qualms, without any fights against them, without any second thought to give them what best I could. Now at a point which realizing of such in conjunction of much more, I return to the thoughts of what I need to do for the next portions of my Medal of Honor Art Project and the other aspects of different points; as I remember the good times we once had together as a family, however brief in time it had been. I still miss those times just as I miss my daughter and I miss my son, though such realities of which giving my life for theirs; has been weighing in my thoughts, and finding the words to express such has been difficult because of a multitude of aspects. I still love my son and my daughter as I always will though the realization of being on my own without having the ability to be around them in the way a mom usually does has (SCUBA pun intended in reference to the Vandenberg), sunken in.