- September 2020 (26)
- August 2020 (21)
- July 2020 (4)
- June 2020 (21)
- May 2020 (37)
- April 2020 (67)
- March 2020 (30)
- February 2020 (21)
- January 2020 (16)
- December 2019 (29)
- October 2016 (1)
- September 2016 (1)
- August 2016 (1)
- July 2016 (1)
- June 2016 (4)
- May 2016 (4)
- April 2016 (4)
- March 2016 (4)
- February 2016 (6)
- January 2016 (7)
- December 2015 (9)
- November 2015 (9)
#MeToo : My list of sexual assaults I #survived
Though I did not know what sexual assault was when the first time it occurred to me nor until several times after, I am going to in a chronological order go through the list of the amount of times I can remember being assaulted sexually. For those of you who had endured such and survived, you know what I felt; for those of you who are lucky enough to never have experienced, I am envious of you. For those of you who are experiencing such as soon as you can, please get yourself trusted help.
...From 1984-1988...countless times...
My biological parents allowed a male named David who was in high school while also a member at Old Tenant Presbyterian Church to be the babysitter during the evenings and weekends which Sony was not available to watch me, and though they had returned on several occasions which he had me in their bedroom in their bed; they continued to use David as a babysitter, though I got in trouble because of not going to my room which later became my biological sister's room after we reached a certain age. Later after my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury and after my biological parents moved to San Antonio, I asked my biological mother about what I remembered; though at first she told me "It's just your head injury playing tricks on you, stop remembering that." Later she told me "He was cheaper than Sony when we needed to go out, and when your sister became of age well; aren't you glad we kept her safe from that? It was cheaper and after awhile he was willing to watch you without charging any fee, which also meant we could go out longer."
David's favorite aspect was how I tasted as he said there was no one he could find which would allow him to try such a thing to a female, and he enjoyed the wetness which flowed from me adding "I just can't get enough." He had been enthralled at the fact I could have an orgasm and since he could not understand why I could at such an age, he told me "Anytime I can babysit you, I definitely will; what you produce tastes so amazing." When he asked me "How is it that you can orgasm from my tongue without me using a finger?" I told him "I don't know, I just know my legs quiver when a certain point is reached." Later when he tried to use his finger he said "I found a button that I only dreamed could be real, and when you're older; that's going to be even more amazing. I have read about that but never thought it could be real, and here you are. Do you know what a commodity that is, or could be? Oh my God, do you know who you are?" I said, "Yes, I am me."
Ironically my biological sister never had anything to worry about in that regard and thus, my biological mother had nothing to worry about for her in turn. However if she had ever truly cared about me, she would have never allowed that to occur to begin with. For those people I knew over the years who claimed "No mom would ever subject her child to anything you described" I suppose I should apologize for not starting from the beginning, though I thought explaining what she yelled at me when I was in her uterus had been enough of a beginning point to start with. Maybe I should have started after my birth though even then when I explained how the Nativity went for the drive thru at Old Tenant Presbyterian Church, few of you ever believed me in those regards as well. Though it was not until I was three or four years old when I could respond to David's questions, what difference should that truly make?
Though there were other instances when growing up in New Jersey after 1988 through to 1994 I cannot distinguish those different occurrences, in a truthful manner of place or time or year; other than in New Jersey and/or New York and/or Pennsylvania because of where my biological parents took me though I genuinely believe the majority only occurred in New Jersey in reference to me being touched.
...28-29 August 1995...once...
There had been the time of my second week of camp at Baptist Camp Lebanon in which the same camp counselors who were there from the prior week that I had gone to, were there for that week again. Though I had wanted to go to the first week of that year's summer camps, I had begged my biological parents not to send me to the second week of camp there. Neither one of my biological parents listened to me nor my warnings of what I told them I felt was going to be a very bad week for me, and both said they had special plans for my biological sister since she had "been the wanted and the planned one" whereas I "just wouldn't die or go away or take the hint no one wanted or needed" me; however my biological mother was the most predominant when those comments were said to me.
During the second week of camp of which I did not want to attend, there was a female in the cabin named Rachael who had wanted to be my friend and continuously snuck into my bunk; even though I told her she needed to sleep in her own bunk. She wanted to talk and though I could talk with her there had been several times, I just wanted her to leave me alone. She was needy in a lot of ways and though I understand and comprehend wanting to be needed, she was needy in a way which I could not comprehend. When the week continued as the camp went on there was a female who was commenting about Brian Cantrell who said "His nickname should be Chester" and when I asked "Why would that be?" she said "Haven't you heard of Chester the molester, before?"
Instantly I was aggravated and the two of us had words of which I told her to take back what she said, and then Rachael joined in to yelling at the female because I was. When I told her "Back off, this is between her and I and you have nothing to do with it" she got pissed off, as I went back to the other female. At first the discussion was calm though it became heated and towards the end, admittedly I was yelling at her and visa versa. That afternoon Rachael came over to where I was and complained to me about not letting her into the conversation with the other female, which I told her the other female and I were talking; she did not need to be a part of it. She started getting mad telling me "I just wanted to be just like you" and I said "Why can't you just be you, and me be me?" which upset Rachael even further of which I told her "You are your own person just as I am me, my own person. Yes there can be points we agree, but then there are points where we just need to be our own person. Why did you have to jump into that when you weren't there from the beginning of that talk with her, is beyond me. You shouldn't have started, and now I have to deal with you pouting for no reason other than the fact you feel like I should care." Afterwards she calmed down knowing I was not going to give into her, and later in the week, events turned.
The last day of camp at Baptist Camp Lebanon that week the camp had a co-ed sleepover for the campers in the Nature Cabin, which had many botany pictures and books including a few entomology books and framed images on the wall. The cabin was made out of logs which could be seen on the exterior as well as the interior of the building and before anyone in the group was allowed to eat the pizza which had been ordered of which I stepped in a pizza box at a point, everyone had to set up the sleeping bags where we were going to sleep after watching the movie; which the camp counselors reeled in a television on a tall cart with wheels and a VHS machine on one of the black bottom shelves. Though I had put my sleeping bag with some of the teenager males I was friends with at the camp, Brian Cantrell came in and saw when my sleeping bag was, came over to where I was talking with some of the males, and pulled my arms. He told me I "need to move that bag closer to where I am going to be" and though I said "I want to stay with the guys", Brian insisted I put my sleeping bag near his. He told me "Rachael is annoying me, and you need to be nearby to stop her." One of the guys switched where his sleeping bag was at and moved it next to mine, though Brian gave him a mean look when he had done so; which I told Brian "He's my friend, its okay."
When the pizza had been eaten and the movie was over, the lights went out. Brian had pulled my sleeping bag closer to his and when I had gone to the bathroom I did not notice he flipped which way the zipper had been. When I left the zipper faced towards the direction of my friend to my left, but when I returned the zipper faced to the right where Brian's sleeping bag had been. When I laid down after sliding into my sleeping bag Brian's arm was underneath where my shoulders were, and I sat up quickly. He pulled the back of my white sating night shirt with porcelain blue designs to which my collar choked me as I fell onto his left arm and he whispered in my ear, "Rachael doesn't understand I don't like her the way, I really like you." I asked "What do you mean?" Brian said, "Unlike her you are sweet and caring whereas she is selfish can mean spirited, you are kind and loyal whereas she is only looking for attention, and you are smarter than what she will ever be; but you are going to be so much more intelligent when you grow up. What you have gone through already is amazing how you have survived, and she has no clue how strong you are."
When I shivered and started getting more nervous he said "You have no idea why I am attracted to you, do you?" and I said "I don't know what you mean being attracted to me, I am only twelve." Brian said "Yes, but you're going to turn thirteen in a few minutes, right?" I nodded my head 'yes' and he continued to tell me of how much prettier and nicer before his hand started to move towards where my buttons were on my night shirt to unhinge the the top three and slide his hand down the front of my chest, which at that point it felt as though there were hundred of concrete bags sitting on top of my chest preventing me from breathing. When he was done he pulled me closer to his chest and asked me "Are you okay?" I could not respond because of being in shock and when he released me from his grip I rolled to my left and started weeping as I buttoned up my night shirt, trying to keep quiet as I cried myself to sleep. I grabbed my teddy bear and rubbed the material furiously trying to calm myself from all of the thoughts running rampant throughout my brain, as I head the thunderstorm overhead.
The following morning I woke up to see Brian looking at me as I opened my eyes and he asked "How did you sleep, lovely?" I grabbed my teddy bear, ran to the first female I saw which happened to be Rachael, and grabbed her arm. We ran to the shower area and I started the water instantly, turning the handle to the hottest point the water could get. I started scrubbing my body as rough as I could and soon I realized I had scrubbed my chest so raw my skin was as red as a lobster, as I finally was able to speak I told Rachael of what happened to me in the bathroom. She listened to me as I told her each detail and she took a shower and when I got out of the shower, there was the female who I had gotten into an argument with about Brian. Instantly I started tearing up as I apologized to her telling her "You were right, I am such a stupid piece of s**t for not believing you. I am so sorry for arguing with you about Brian." She asked me "What do you mean?" and I told her what I told Rachael to which afterwards she ran out of the bathroom and I looked at Rachael and said "I feel like such an a**hole for that, she was right all along."
Before I knew it two female camp counselors ran into the bathroom and asked me what happened, of which I told them. When they finished asking me about what occurred they saw Rachael standing there and she said, "Yeah, me too." I was then taken to the cabin where the belongings were to put the shower stuff away to then be walked from the cabin area passed the food hall where the line of campers stared at me, and they whispered amongst themselves while pointing at me. Their faces were a blank stare as I walked by and though the females pointed and laughed, the males had a solemn look on their faces. The camp counselors saw Brian on the outermost point of the group and while he looked at me smiling, one of the female counselors wrapped her arm around me and guided me away from where he stood. When we arrived at the Director's office Rachael was sitting in the lobby area with a smile on her face, as the camp counselors told me to sit in the chair closest to the door. When my biological parents and biological sister walked in the lobby area Rachael's dad flew out of the Directo's office and swooped his daughter up into his arms, holding her. My biological mother said "What did you do that we're going to be late to take Patty to dance?"
I reached for a magazine to read as Rachael's dad looked at my biological family in horror while holding Rachael, and my biological sister complained about having to waste time with whatever was going on because of me. As I read the magazine to keep my attention elsewhere shortly afterwards the door to the Director's office opened and my biological family walked out into the lobby. My biological mother said "If you didn't wear a bathing suit that wouldn't have enticed him to touch you, let's go get your stuff and get the hell out of here."
As I stood up and put the magazine down I walked with my biological family and looked over to where Rachael was, wondering why she was so lucky to have someone who cared so much for her; and I was stuck with the people who called me so many names and treated me so horribly, I was so envious she had someone who cared so much for her and so curious as to what that was like to know what care and concern felt like. The Director stood in the doorway watching and listening to my biological parents yell at me for taking so much of their time away from getting my biological sister to her dance class, as we walked out of the door. I went into the cabin, packed my belongings, and my biological family apologized to the camp counselors for my problems of "being an issue".
On the way back to Morganville New Jersey my biological parents stopped at a Burger King, because my biological sister was hungry. When we sat down at the table my biological father said to me "I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first Susan?" I looked at him and asked "Really? Right now, you have to do this?" He said, "Yes. Do you want the good news or the bad news first, or I could just tell you." I looked at the cheeseburger wrapper knowing I was not going to want to eat as he said "The good news is you and Patty do not have to argue over who feed and who waters the dog, but the bad news is your dog died. Now hurry up and eat, we need to get Patty to dance class." My biological mother saw I had not unwrapped my burger and she reached across the table, unwrapped the burger, and ordered me to eat. Even though my stomach was churning, I forced myself only to go to the bathroom, and throw up immediately afterwards.
Later in the year there were two detectives who came to the house at Church Road Morganville New Jersey who sat in the kitchen with me, asking me many questions about that camp stay. Every time I went to answer a question about the camp itself my biological mother interrupted them and tried to distract their questions which annoyed one so much, he stepped outside onto the back porch. When the other tried to ask me questions without her stopping what I had to say he grew so annoyed, the two switched who was inside and who was outside. When they were able to get the answers from me because my biological mother finally left the kitchen area so they could ask me without interruption, they left and went on their way. That year was the year I began my Conformation Class for Old Tenant Presbyterian Church as well had been transferred from Marlboro High School to Saint John Vianney High School, in Holmdel New Jersey after a female at Marlboro High School accused me of stealing from her as well as some of the teachers remembering my biological father when he went to school there. At one point one of the teachers told me of how my biological father beat up a group of teachers who were teaching the football players how to do karate, and my biological father had beaten all of them with just a few quick moves as he had been taught by a Korean Black Belt Master the Art of Tae Kwondo.
They learned I was taking Tae Kwondo classes in Manalapan, and they asked me if I could do as he did though they did not like my response when I told them "I was already a Green Belt and just about to earn my Green Belt with a Black Stripe, and about to go to a competition I did not want to go to."
The teachers joked with me saying "If you're anything like your father, you will do more damage than is expected." I smiled and said "You have no idea of what I can do, in comparison."
Though there were issues because of another student at that school named Rob Castle who would not leave me alone during class, he ended up learning the hard way I did not play games. You can read of such in "Finding a Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" and "Finding the Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" of what happened when he confronted me repeatedly, when we were allowed to spar, and what I did to his protective cup during that one sparring match. Also, you can read of how I did at that competition and where I placed in each area.
When my biological parents moved my biological sister and I from New Jersey to Illinois, almost a year after moving I had returned to the state of New Jersey. Though I was upset as to why I was there and for the reasons, I was so happy to be back; however when I learned I was not allowed to return to Old Tenant Presbyterian Church nor allowed to see some of my friends when growing up, I did what I could to be calm. I went to the courthouse and was put in a room with Rachael, but we were told we could not discuss the court case. We talked about what we had been up to and she went to the court first, whereas I waited in the room with the security officers. The one officer commented of my long sleeve white shirt with a silver emblem on the front and I told her "I like Irish knot work, it's pretty" and the other security officer asked "Do you need anything before you go into the court to testify?"
Before I could respond I was called by one of the officials to walk with him to the courtroom and he handed me a stress ball, before going onto the stand. I took my oath to tell the truth as I knew I could only do anyway, and the lawyers started asking me questions. As Brian Cantrell's lawyer asked me several questions after the District Attorney had and he got closer to me on the stand, I started shredding the stress ball. I did what I could to remain calm, but I could only do so much. When the questions were done I left the courtroom, and then my biological mother said "We had to go back to the airport to leave because Patty (my biological sister) had something important, which was more important than the case."
Later when in Cary Grove my biological mother arrived at the duplex my then kind of boyfriend lived at to pick me up, and then wanted me to drive the car. Just before going outside the male told me he had slipped me a piece of acid which I did not know what that meant, but my biological mother told me I needed to drive because she was tired. When I passed over the railroad tracks my biological mother said "So I have some news for you but since you enticed him wearing a bathing suit, you should know you lost the case. No big deal though, since if you didn't wear a bathing suit at camp when you went swimming; Brian would not have wanted to touch you." I asked "Why am I being blamed for that when he is older than me and I am just a child? She told me again of how it was my fault for wearing a bathing suit at camp to go swimming in the lake, but then denied the fact Brian Cantrell should have had control over himself instead of blaming me for his lack of self control.
The conversation about that between my biological family and I was not brought up again, though my biological sister on a few occasions said "You know Susan, if you didn't get molested you would be so much more different. That even changed you and I don't know why you are so upset about that. Just because you lost that court case doesn't mean its that big of a deal, you should grow up." When I told her "I am far more grown up than you or anyone else gives me credit for and though that situation changed my outlook on the justice system, that does not mean that court case changed me as who I am. You should grow up and realize the world is a different place than what you think, and there is justice that will occur. I promise you, of that."
When she asked what I meant I said, "One day there will be a reckoning and when that day comes, I will be front and center. I will watch and see all of those who persecuted and blamed me for things which were not my fault come to full circle and you will watch as I get the justice I have needed and deserved while you stand by and whimper."
Though only a few months later I graduated high school at Crystal Lake South and then began reminding my biological parents of my need to join The United States of America's Armed Forces, they continuously tried to tell me "It's just a phase. You'll grow up and grow out of wanting to be in there" though to this day I wonder if they forgot of how I tried to get approved to join MAST (Marine Science and Technology School, which had a mandatory Naval Academy aspect which had been the second point of which was my purpose to want to go; as the first had been to work with the oceanic waters and the life therein)
...Fort Sam Houston San Antonio Texas...Medical Hold Unit...after my Psalm Sunday
head injury, coma, subarachnoid hemmorage in the frontal lobe of my brain, headaches, migraines, memory deficits, cognitive disorders, and having gone from College Algebra with Trigonometry and Calculus to 2nd Grade Math...a few times...
When I was in Medical Hold Unit before the name was switched to The Warrior Transition Unit, I had a lot of difficulties. I actually had to relearn the color spectrum because of the names of which colors are, as I though the sky color was called orange; though it is called blue. I had gotten lost on post many times when going to the chow hall just across the parking lot from the building on Stanley, and thus I was also in trouble a lot because of not remembering whatever I had learned in Basic Training as well as had known before I joined The United States of America's Armed Forces Army branch. I had been issued many counseling statements in an extremely short amount of time and thus after awhile, the Commander Captain Beer put me on restriction "until [I] Private Hom could act like a soldier"; in writing. Then 1st Lieutenant John Morning was being transferred from being a General's Aide to Commander of Medical Hold Unit and Charlie Company; though I also received an Article because of other soldiers having taken me to a rave and though I told Captain Beer I had asked for asprin; no one believed me when I told them the female who called herself Princess Jasmine had given me two pills which looked like Advil and included the candy coating with the words on them when I asked for some pain pills since I forgot my medication before we left for Austin. Thus I was put on extra duty after working in the orderly room, then I had to check in every hour on the hour from 10:30pm (22:30) until 2:30am each and every day. I was also ordered to have an escort wherever I went including to the chow hall, if I was going anywhere other than the orderly room.
Only recently did I learn when speaking with CID (Criminal Investigation Division) this was considered a crime, of which they said they are investigating.
Sergeant Baber was assigned to me as my escort and after a few doctor appointments we went to my barrack's room instead of directly back to the orderly room for Medical Hold, in which he ordered me to remove my BDU top as well as my tan brown shirt. This occurred a few separate occasions and though I told him I felt uncomfortable about such; he was frustrated I "never calmed down enough" to his description.
Later when 1st Lieutenant Morning became Captain Morning he had told me I was "not allowed to speak with Permanent Party soldiers because of not graduating Basic Training, but not allowed to speak with students because of being in Medical Hold which is Permanent Party." When I asked him "Who am I allowed to speak with?" he gave me his home phone number, cell phone number, his pager number, and the direct office phone number and said we could talk. I felt comfortable speaking with him because unlike Captain Beer, Captain Morning seemed to genuinely care. Though I asked if such was considered fraternization, Captain Morning said it was not. He and I never did anything other than talk and though I went to his apartment one time all that occurred was we watched a movie, talked, and I fell asleep in his arms. After awhile he told me to call him John, which backfired the following week as I asked if he was sure he really thought that was a good idea; and he told me as a joke "I am giving you a direct order, its okay Susan"
That next week he was with the other Company Commanders as well as the Brigade Commander and as I walked by saluting the officers I said "Good morning Sirs, good morning Ma'ams, hi John!" The Brigade Commander yelled for me to get in front of him, demanding to know who I called John. I looked and found where he was standing and pointed directly to Captain Morning, of which the full bird Colonel asked me "How old are you? You look like you're twelve years old." I said "I'm seventeen, Sir." He asked how I could be in the military and I explained of how I had been emancipated, which he then asked which unit I was in. When I told him I was in Medical Hold, he then asked me "Why are you in Medical Hold?" I told him about the Psalm Sunday injury and he pointed the his collar asking "Do you see this here?" He asked me why I called Captain Morning John, and I told him what John told me, and why.
I said "Yes Sir, I see the birds very clearly on your collar." He said "Do you know what these birds mean?" I said "Yes Sir, those birds mean you are a Colonel." He said "That also means I am higher ranking than John and though John gave you a direct order, I am high ranking than John, right?" I said "Yes Sir, yes you are." He said "So though John gave you a direct order as a Captain, I am a Colonel and I am giving you a direct order to call John, Captain Morning." I said "Yes, Sir. You got it." Shortly afterward Captain Morning was transferred to Fort Knox, though he sincerely apologized for not being able to stay to help me with what happened to me involving the soldiers and the rave. I remember when he told me he was transferring duty stations I tried to keep myself from crying and just focused my attention to the sky, and at one point Captain Morning asked "What just happened? Where did those clouds come from?" I looked at him and joked "Its just me, Sir. I'm trying to not be a baby about this, I really don't want you to go."
...between 2001 through 2008...My now dead-ex-husband...countless times...
There were several occasions of which when married as well as separated from Robert Walker Nichols before he died of which he told me "You have wifely duties", which I learned what those were according to him the hard way. The first time had been when after I had given birth to my son James but also happened after delivering my daughter Lidia, and it was explained to me even though there had been seven days of labor and I had to have surgery because of ripping; "There's another hole" to use. Such occurred also after giving birth to my daughter; as well as several other times throughout our marriage and including the times when we were separated. The first separation when I had been forced to get my own apartment because he would not allow me to stay in the house with my children, he reminded me of the legalities of still being married. During the second and final separation he reminded me of the same aspects.
During the time of the second separation of which he forced me to date Jeffrey Kuiykendall Jr (AKA "Cactus Jack" of the "151 Road Warriors") just before Robert was leaving to go to Iraq he wanted "one more time" with me, and thus pestered me while using "Cactus Jack"until I gave in; reminding me of the legalities of still being legally married to him. We got a hotel room and when it was over "Cactus Jack" had the nerve to try to complain to me, of how he felt as though he was raped. Though I explained to him I could see his point, I also explained to him how he really could not complain to me; because I could not sympathize with his complaints after the amount of times I had dealt with what was done to me and how much he wanted to keep going that evening compared to me needing it to stop. Though I continuously heard "Cactus Jack" complain about such I told him "There are males who have been sexually assaulted, however you are not one of them."
He said "Susan, you have no heart for saying that to me." and when I told him "You have no idea what I have been through to make such a claim" he whined some more (this being in Carrollton Texas) and I ended the relationship. He told me he could not believe I would end the relationship but saw I would never want to get married to him long before because I would not agree to set a date to marry; though he was surprised because I was upset of him telling me he felt though he was raped was the final straw. However just as with my dead-ex-husband, my biological family chose Cactus Jack's side when I chose to end the relationship as soon as possible; same thing when it came to my ex-in-laws taking the other side instead of mine being the truth as it was and is. However that also does not include the time "Cactus Jack" defended his dad Jeffrey Kuykedall Sr, when he grabbed my breasts after I had gotten breast augmentation surgery. "Cactus Jack" AKA Jeffrey Kuykendall Jr had thought it was funny his dad had done so while his mom, sister Rachael, and brother Jeremy Kuykendall, seemingly were disgusted at their husband/dad doing so and Cactus Jack's defense of his dad grabbing me without my permission or consent. I broke up with Cactus Jack between the time of Halloween and Thanksgiving, though he said he needed to stay in the house until he could get his parents to let him move back into the house in San Antonio. Though he was supposed to be paying for the car payment of the Ford Focus wagon I learned shortly after he did move back to San Antonio, he had not done so; as that car was repossessed, though I paid the money to the bank and never received that car back after paying over the phone for such.
...January or February of 2010...once...
In this time I was dating and engaged to who I thought was my one and though I had been dealing with his ex-girlfriend Leslie through emails after he left for Basic Training for The United States of America's Armed Forces Army branch to be a tanker for several weeks at that point making threats about him and his safety as well as mine, I did not think such could be realistic in real life. I thought when I told her not to make such threats nor follow through with such that had been enough, and though I had no clue of who his dad could potentially have been and though I did know his sister was in the local area Police Force; I did not know to take such a threat via email seriously. After I had told Leslie several times to stop threatening Shaun and I, there were no further messages of communication from her. When those messages stopped my friend who I call SCUBuddah because of how he spoke as a former Marine, SCUBA Diver, and trucking company manager invited me to Rick and Joe's house in Richland Texas. There I had been given a Corona beer and though there was a bit of fuzz, I thought that was because of the beer carbonation at the bottom. When I started drinking the Corona there was a funny taste to the beer and though I already drink alcohol slowly because of the taste unless it is something sweet, I drank that particularly slowly.
Ricki and I were talking about corsetry and just before going to Rick and Joe's house I was able to stop by the post office to pick up the package of new corsets I had ordered, for me to wear for Shaun. I had several ideas of what I thought he would have liked and though I knew SCUBuddah and Joe would see, I was only doing so in reference because of Rick. I knew I did not have to worry about him being weird about the corsets and when I showed him as I thought the other two were going to be elsewhere in the house, Rick and I discussed some of his friends who make corsets as well as a few who did/do drag. The two of us discussed several aspects between the different designs of the metal boning as well as my preferences of which type; because of how my body moves and is.
When I went to change back into my clothes, there was Joe standing in the doorway; wearing my bra that I had worn underneath my clothes and the matching panties that came with the corset. I told him to take the items off and before I went to go to get changed, SCUBuddah left and Rick felt the need to go to sleep; as both said they felt drunker quicker. SCUBuddah had drank the rest of my Corona beer because I could not tolerate the powdery taste of the beer as it did not taste like the ones I had when I was in Mexico and I thought it was because of the location the beer had been brewed. When I was in the bathroom finishing changing which I did not know at the time was Joe's room and I thought was Rick's room, there was Joe standing in the doorway.
I went to grab the rest of my things so I could leave but Joe kept moving in front of where I went to walk before he grabbed me, and slid his hand down the front of my pants. When I pushed him away telling him to stop and tried to go towards the door to leave, he picked me up and threw me onto the bed. He got on top of me after slamming my head into the brass, and I saw something dark underneath his pillow with a circle shape. I went to get up as my headache was excrutiating at the time and Joe was on top of me tugging at my pants, when I flicked my legs together and in an upward motion; causing him to fly off of the bed and into his airmoire. I grabbed my purse and keys, running towards the front door. Though he tried to grab my arm when I was getting my purse and keys, I pushed his hand away from me. In my car I sat for a few minutes trying to figure out what had happened, before I left to go back to my house as quickly as I could.
There had been a few other aspects which Shaun and I had not finished talking about before he left, but when that happened I could not tell him. I could not tell him not because I did not want to, but because I knew if I had he would not have gone through and finish Basic Training. I knew he would be upset with himself if he had not finished, and I knew his dad and mom would not be happy if he did not; and I broke up with him during Basic Training of which SCUBuddah was mad at me for doing so in a letter. However I knew I needed to, and I also did not realize certain other aspects in regards to other targeting endeavours of me or my children.
I could not tell anyone for several years about that because I could not figure out the words to try to describe what happened. By that time it was after Shaun and I had reconnected after his Basic Training as well as his AIT, and I was just so excited to see him and be in his arms that nothing else was as important at the time in regards to that aspect of what occurred to try to put into words; as odd as that might come across. Also with the time he had shown up to see me and showed me his hand was missing a finger, I had to pay more attention to healing his hand after a tank shell fell onto it because someone from his unit dropped a tank shell saying he saw a bumblebee in the area at Fort Hood in Killeen Texas. When Shaun told me that when I was healing his hand, I asked "Since when does the state of Texas have bumble bees flying around? Aren't there only bees, wasps, hornets, and mud dopplers? Bumble bees are from the northern east coast because they're particularly fat and fluffy and if they use their stinger they are done instantly, unlike wasps and the like."
Though at that point I could have told Shaun what happened, but at the same time I could not. I still did not have the words to try to explain and even though we had not seen one another at that time for several months, Though I also had forgotten about the threats from his ex-girlfriend Leslie as what was going on with my children had taken precedence of my thoughts and attention, and though at the time I was preoccupied with such for my children seeing Shaun there and having him at my side made so many things better. However if I had been smart enough to remember about the threats from Leslie and did not forget because of making sure the infection got out of his hand, things might have been different than they are now. I did send a letter to his dad as I learned he might have and/or be a Congressman in the area; but I was unaware at the time. I never thought to ask what his dad did in the government for The United States of America, I figured if I needed to know; I would have been told, though I did thank him for his service.
The first time I met his mom was at the house for Christmas time which I also met his sister and her husband with their daughter, though I thought there was someone in the upstairs area who was related; though I do not recall getting to see or meet him in person at the time. The first time I met his dad was at a light blue house and we sat in an outside area while he looked at me in the sunlight but the second time I met his dad, he said "Remember this for me, will you?" I asked "What, sir?" He said "Remember I told you that there was a time when he and I were out, and I saw you in the corner booth of a bar. It is going to be important you remember that, okay?" I smiled and said "I will try really hard to, I will; but you know I don't go to bars right?" He said "Yeah, that's fine. You just need to remember those words for me, got it?"
Then I asked him if he had ever been to Washington DC and he asked me "Why?" and I told him he reminded me of the aquarium in the area where there were three Albino Crocodiles. He said "I might have passed through there before a time or two, why?" I said "There were three Albino Crocodiles when I went there once and you reminded me of Getcha, Gotcha, and Good; with how you just said that. I can't explain why though, and he grinned." before I said "I wonder how those little ones are doing, and if they're still there." and just as Shaun walked back to where his dad and I were talking his dad said "Maybe, maybe."
...F*** Valentine's Day...a combined few times...
After Shaun and I had been together for awhile though a bunch of problems had arisen in between more-so with making sure my daughter was okay, there were problems with the cellphones. Messages from Shaun were not the way he normally messaged and then there were none. I tried to get answers as to what was going on, but the cell phone issues started after my biological family found out Shaun and I were back together. There who later became a boyfriend which Phillip Omstead had tried to push me into a relationship with before when he and I were dating at the time, had shown up and wanted me to "take out my aggression" on him. I was not willing to for the majority of the evening but when Patrick said "You know he is not going to show up, right? You know he will not be here, because you know he won't get in. Stop waiting for him, because he's not for you now." after he gave me a bottle of water to drink which he opened; though I do not think it was assault because Patrick and I did not get involved relationship-wise for several months down the road, but I was never able to find Shaun after that. My biological mother was thrilled when Patrick and I started dating and when I told her of him later on it seemed though she already knew everything about him, despite it being the first time I told her of him. Then again she was insistent upon doing the technology updates on each of my laptops and computers; knowing how little I understood such and knowing of my issues since waking up from my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury. She had told me once when leaving the apartment in Irving, "You know, he looks like Jeffrey, in some ways right?" I asked "Who? Who is Jeffrey?" which aggravated her that I could not remember him or what he looked like. She said "You know, the one with the Alienware computer?" and when I did remember I asked "How did you know which computer he had, but she quickly changed the subject.
I did break up with Patrick after he pulled a loaded shotgun out from underneath the bed, which he had not told me he had in the apartment. Due to everything my children and I were going through had I known of the firearm I would have demanded such to be in a gun safe, in the exact same way I had in reference to when I had discussed in my first two books. When Patrick had tried to do a rifle drill using a shotgun and almost dropped the shotgun, I told him "That's what you get for doing a rifle drill with a shotgun. A shotgun is not meant for that, a rifle is." of which Patrick pointed the shotgun in my face the night after he called me a "Stupid bitch" in front of my son at the dinner table because I ordered the wrong pizza for him, then was surprised when I moved out. The Uhaul story and the moving company I wrote of in my first two books, as the Uhaul truck went missing in Austin Texas which had all of my SCUBA Diving equipment on the truck. August of 2012 is when I recieved a letter from Uhaul saying they sold my belongings in a lot, but never told me the company had my belongings to begin with. Shortly after moving back to San Antonio Texas to live in the Thousand Oaks Apartments and Townhomes my biological mother demanded I go to their house, and the interrogation occurred of which I wrote about because of the message on the answering machine that Patrick Kennedy had left about my involvement in the BDSM/LGBTQP/Swinger Lifestyles.
...JOEY & MEG...once...
During a breif amount of time I had dated a married couple meaning I was dating the wife, as well as dating the husband. The two of them and I had began in a good way but when I would not sleep with Joey until I felt comfortable Meg had felt comfortable with such; Joey started trying to pressure and guilt me into sleeping with him. When the two refused to have a conversation with me at the same time, I refused to sleep with Joey in the fullest way. The last time I saw the two of them they had come over to my apartment townhouse and I cooked them dinner and though we played, it did not go past a certain point. When the following morning came and we were at Taco Cabana Joey waited until Meg left and said "You were supposed to have sex with me last night, why didn't you?" I became irate and said "I am not a goat which you can trade off as you wish, if I want to have sex with you then I will. I didn't and don't feel comfortable with the way things have gone this far and if you're not going to be respectful of you marriage to your wife as well as to my feelings, I am not going to allow this to go any further." Though we did try to talk about things further down the line, because Joey would not speak with both Meg and I as I needed for clarification; I walked out of the house when that evening had been. It hurt me to do so, but I felt the tensions between the two of them growing more distant and I could not be responsible for their marriage.
I had a lot I was going through and that was too much, for me. I was respectful and did not attend any events in the San Antonio area for over a month to ensure they could do as they needed, while I could do as I needed; though when I returned there had been a different aire about places and I just thought it had been because of the amount of time which had gone by. I never expected what occurred thereafter because of what Discordia AKA Erica had said. (Erica and Alicia were in a relationship with an Air Force soldier name Brian who Erika admitted to playing games with my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury effects because she said she once knew someone who had a head injury and was in a coma, but didn't remember her and she felt though I was competition to her in the lifestyle; so she was testing me because she said her dad was a leader at John Hopkins University. When I told her "Just because your dad is a lead doctor there does not mean you have earned his degree, and you have no legal right to practice anything on me" she in front of Lisa and her husband said I "was being over-dramatic" before I walked away. (Erika is the one story involving the theft of garden gnomes from people's yard in San Antonio Texas I wrote of in my book "Finding the Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" Erika also admitted to telling Mike and Steve different stories about me, as she "thought it's all fun and games" as she told me.
...COWBOYS DANCE HALL...once or a few times if you count the moves...
After an abrupt set of problems which arose after the paperwork had been filed, my biological mother being vicious in reference to what was going on with my children, the male I was dating at the time sent me text messages I did not understand why he was being so mean in, and several other problems all at once; I knew I needed a break for me. I had been staying in the apartment for months by that time secluded because of how everything was going and the paperwork from the city was taking its toll on me, so I decided I wanted to go to a country concert to try to do something just for me. I looked online and though one google search I found only 1 country music concert in the entire state of Texas in that week of March 2013. I went to Cowboys Dancehall that Thursday so I could learn how to Texas-Two-Step as well as learn what I could of the layout for the club because of what I remembered from clubs in New Jersey and New York in the time I grew up there and went, and thus I needed to make sure I would be okay as I thought it would be similar.
The night of the Stoney LaRue concert I wrote about in my first two books "Finding a Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" and "Finding the Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" as to how that male Kevin and the people he was with (3-4 females and 2 males including who is now my ex-boyfriend Jesse Leroy Hoover Jr) would not leave me alone when I was trying to enjoy the country music concert. Jesse Leroy Hoover Jr said he was once a Captain in the Air Force and went to Basic Training at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio Texas, Kevin said he was in the Army and was born and raised in Louisiana and he was a Cajun, and the other male said he was in the Navy and was from California; though Kevin had spoken for the Navy male. The females stayed off to the side by the stone wall watching until later in the evening when Kevin would not leave me alone, and attacked my corset verbally saying "I bet that corset holds in all of your fat rolls" which then, I handled myself because anyone who knows me knows; you don't talk smack about my corsets. Though that situation occurred after the boy in the velour track suit was shot down, as I was and am not interested in engaging with minors at any point. The bouncers said it was funny how I shot him down as most people jump on top of him because of his mom and dad's credit card, though that did not matter to me; which they saw. Jesse Leroy Hoover Jr and the rest of that is in the books FSL; as well as the story about that boy.
...IN THE END...
Though I comprehend I was targeted at Cowboys Dance Hall and what I had written in my first two books "Finding a Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" and "Finding the Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" explain such, I am exhausted. Though I told my biological family through sending them the books I authored, it was not until 2018 when my biological mother told me to contact someone else instead which the memories of which I was treated started to re-click. I admit my memory issues and cognitive disorders have been a disability for me, though I also had wished my biological family would have become better in so many ways. Instead, I learned otherwise. I had called my biological father on his birthday to attempt to wish him a happy birthday though I was told on the phone "Its over" and though the voice I spoke with on the phone did not sound like him because of never once hearing the cough he had nor ever hearing specific idiosyncrysies of his personal normal statements when having the conversation with whomever was on the other side of the phone; I have not attempted to contact my biological family since.
Then again the only times they had wanted to speak with me had been when it was convenient to them and when they could take advantage of me, while blaming me at the same time. My biological sister was excited for my children to be the ring bearer and flower girl, but was upset when I showed up to stay at the wedding as well. Even more-so she was infuriated I had worn similar colors to the wedding because as she said "People might think you are a part of the wedding party" and instead of going with the females to get the nails done, I was told to "keep busy" while they took my children with them. At the wedding for her and Zack I took pictures and was told I was not allowed to be in any of the wedding photos as my biological sister said I "would be an embarassment to have in any of the pictures as no one would ever want to be seen or associated with someone who looks like you".
I guess they made their choice long before I ever fully understood, or comprehended how much they truly did not care and hated me. Why they hated me before we ever left New Jersey and not forgetting the rest of the time thereafter is still a mystery to me, though it is for them to live with and deal with; whereas I just continue being me and doing the best I can try.
If you appreciate my journal blog please donate to my PayPal account through the button at the top of page, now! Thank you!