In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 21 February 2013 edited as to the name of the posting
...finding...
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (DANGEROUS!!! I know!!! ;-P)*; and I have been evaluating and re-evaluating myself, my goals, my aspirations, and the like.
~ I know that I am not perfect.
~ I know that I will never be perfect.
~ I know that I will not ever "fully fit in."
~ I know that I am different and I am looked at, as such.
~ I know that my emotions are not weaknesses...but things that I personally need to work on; within myself.
~ I know that my physical body is nothing compared to others; nor will it ever be.
~ I know that my thoughts and opinions are/will not ever be "fully accepted."
~ I know that my spirit cries out to the echos of the canyons.
~ I know that I am not a good mom or mother.
~ I know that I am not as good of a person as I want to be.
~ I know that I have messed up in so many un-repairable ways.
~ I know that I have burned things to ashes, before allowing them to be thrown out the window while driving; and let it splatter on the ground beneath the next million cars/trucks/semis/buses/etc drive over the "left-overs" on the highway; to the point of full destruction.
~ I know that I, personally, am a fucked up ass hole...and a bitch...and a cunt.
~ I know that I...well...just to generalize...I am so screwed up in so many ways...
...some, are not able to be fixed...
...some, I am and have been working on (some for YEARS)...
...some, I have not noticed...
...some, I have been told...
...some, I think of by myself...
...some, is burned into my brain...
I have never claimed to be "good" or "great" at anything. In fact; I believe the complete and total opposite about myself.
I do not see anything "good" or "great" or "worth while" or etc.; when I look in the mirror...whether it is just a quick glance or having to look directly into my eyes, as my contacts are being put in or however I end up in front of some mirror at any given point...
Hell...in all actuality...I fully despise mirrors...
Hell...in all honesty...nine times out of ten, if I have to think about myself...I truly despise myself; I despise my thoughts; I despise my feelings; I despise my physical self...I despise every single aspect of me and who I am and what has made me who I am today...I hate everything...
I have spoken with many who ask how I could think about myself in such a manner, and not be checked into a facility...
Simple...I do not plan on nor do I want to kill myself...I do not want to slit my wrists...I do not want to take pills by the months' supply and mix it with Vodka (anymore)...I do not want to end my life (anymore)...
...however...
I do wish that I could end my suffering...
All people have their own issues, their own problems, their own magazine subscriptions, their own whatever they have to deal with...everyone has it better than someone else; just as everyone has it worse than another...
I am not any different...I am FULL of a WHOLE BUNCH OF THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH...
Honestly, openly, and completely; I admit that I am botched up, broken, distorted, and so on...
Honestly, I cannot think of 1 single aspect of "me" that is not fucked up; in some way, shape, or form; from someTHING or someONE...
I loathe it...I hate it...I despise it...I wish that nothing was wrong...
I wish I could fix every single problem that I have to deal with...
I wish I could over-come every challenge and obstacle that comes to my path...
I wish that I could be successful in all that I do...
*I wish that all of my wants, all of my needs, and all of my desires were to manifest into fruition; so that I may open myself to partake of all that is wonderful within the Universe - that I see others enjoying in pure merriment - as I just watch and enjoy seeing them smile; - for that is the only thing that can keep me going, is seeing others who are at least happy, at times...
I wish no ill will towards anyone that I have ever known, had a relationship/friendship/acquaintanceship/spoken with/interacted with/etc...
...well...I cannot honestly say that...
I still wish ill towards my ex-husband...even though he is dead and has been - going on 5 years now...but THAT ass hole...sigh...I am not even going to BEGIN on that...
However, other than "him"...there is not another soul that I wish ill towards...even those who consider me to be an "enemy" of theirs or "rival" or "competition" (that last one I just CANNOT understand...but...whatever...) or "not what "society" says I should be/look/act/etc" or "whatever they consider me that is not of the nicest thought form or speech"...
None of them...not a single one...there is no one whom I wish ill to fall upon...whether one chooses to believe it or not...
I only wish A/all the brightest of blessings so that their lives, as they continue; that they grow and succeed beyond their wildest dreams...every person from an "ex-friend" to an "ex-play partner" to an "ex-lover" to an "ex"-anything...
Anyway, that is getting off of where I was going...but then again...this is "me" writing...so...yeah...it happens...ALL THE TIME...
...sigh...
One of the "fun" benefits (sarcasm, of course) of the TBI is not being able to fully concentrate when speaking/writing/interacting with others..."always" a "great" time...
...sigh...
So, as I have been thinking...(and there were no fires started...as of yet... ;-P)...
I have been pondering a lot about myself...me...who I am...what makes me, "me"...why...how...and so on...
I have been wondering what I could do to further improve myself in order to be "a better person"; inside and out...
I have been considering a lot of things that I have heard/read/been told to me/etc; about me and others' thoughts/opinions/etc of me...
...and after all of this judgement over myself, of myself, to myself, and etc...
What is the point of it all?
I mean...in all honesty...what is the point of "conforming" to another's perception of what "I should be" versus what I am and/or what I want to be?
Am I going to be happy, as time passes?
Nope...not in the SLIGHTEST...*
And the other(s)?
Then, they will think of me as a liar...as I am/would be, for lying to myself about whatever it was about me, in order to "please" said whomever...which in turn, would be lying to them/that person...
I try not to go along with the band wagon; and I try to always think for myself... ~ and sometimes I am completely open and knowing of all involved with me for that situation/person/people... ~ and sometimes...I know nothing...
In fact; in all reality; I know nothing...whatsoever.
I only "know" what my side of my experiences are/were...and even THAT can be false in some ways; whether or not it is realized, by me, at the time...
However, there, it goes, straight back to; What is the point of it all?
Why should I "try" to please someone else when it does not fulfill me or my wants or my needs or my desires?
Why should another's thoughts, concerns, opinions, rumors, etc. matter to me?
Why should I try to conform to someone else's opinion of how I "should" be/act/look/speak/write/whatever is complained about...?
As stated...that in turn...would make me a liar...should I make the choice to go one way or another.
...and I am not a liar...at least...I try not to be a liar...no one is perfect in honesty and truth...and I am no exception to that rule...no matter how much/hard I/one may try...
All are fallible...
I am fallible...
Though...we all know that my supposed "filter" that all people "supposedly have"...well...that is just shot to shit, for me; more than half of the time...
I try so hard...and SOMETIMES I succeed...but...most of the time...well...not so much of the whole success thing...
Quite frankly...I am at the point...I just do not know what to do anymore...
I do not know what to do to aid my children in any further capacity than I already have tried...looked at...looked for...been told about...researched...etc... With my kids, I am at a complete and total loss of words; for I have to make a decision that WILL impact all of us (my 2 children and I)...and to the point of no return, should certain actions be taken...
...sigh...
This picture below...so true...so true...
I am at the point where I must figure if it is "time to stop the bleeding" or try harder, or something else - if I can find it, or
...
...sigh...
One being so scared of the other, to the point of lack of sleep because of fear that the other will come into the room to attack; as has been done randomly before...
That is NOT kosher...
In the same point...it is still MY BABY...
I was in labor for 72 hours+ with each one...I was and have always been the one raising them...I am the one who is responsible for them and their best welfare...I am SUPPOSED to be "Mom"...
...but I am nothing...
I have the hardest choice before me...and with admitted tears slowly rolling down my cheek...this hurts more than any fuck up that I have EVER realized that I EVER have done...
...sigh...
It is bad enough having to go through the back and forths with the different hospitals...on my son...on me...but I am so much more concerned about my son...
...sigh...
So far, and in no particular order, she has/does: ~attacks physically, violently, and without ANY remorse...does not matter if it is a teacher or other staff of school/hospital or family or classmates or...well...anyone...sometimes there is only a minor injury and then there are the times (most) where there is SOME form of bodily injury to someone...several times I had to take her brother to the Emergency Room because the two could not be separated quick enough...or she attacked him when he was asleep...or when others were not looking, in the cases of other people - other than family; ~talks about various ways to kill/harm herself and others...; ~believes that she is 1/2 angel and 1/2 ghost who is dating a vampire boyfriend in heaven where they drink alcohol (I do not drink, hardly ever - and NEVER have in front of my kids), smoke, have sex, and so on...; ~she thinks that she has several husbands (my daughter ;-P)...though unlike me...she has...last time...it was 87 children that I supposedly take care of and her brother is the uncle of...; ~the voices...; ~the hallucinations...; ~the disarming an MP on a military base, in the hospital...(I jumped on top of her and the gun, wrestled with her until I was able to hand it to someone behind me, before the other soldiers/staff came in and took over)...; ~the multiple times that I (or anyone else for that matter) who has had to physically restrain her and/or put her into restraints for the uncontrollable actions...; ~and that is just off of the top of my head...
I have put her through therapy; I have had psychologists and psychiatrists meet with her; I have sold my house $88k less than market value of my house - never mind the room addition that was only 2 weeks old when I decided the house needed to go onto the market just to move close to the city that her RTC was at; I moved again, just a year later, to return to DFW, because my son wanted to be near friends, and I wanted to keep him in mind as well when it came to all things with Lidia and her care; I moved AGAIN, back to San Antonio, so we could be close to family, as well as the RTC in San Antonio - promising my son that there would not be any more moves for his sister's hospitalizations...; she was put back into the RTC care when we moved back...; now she is being re-recommended for RTC (making it the 4th time), however, the insurance is making me go through the appeal process...for the 3rd time...and since the 1st re-recommmendation - she has been hospitalized 2-4 times, now...and I am STILL in the appeal process...; and the list goes on...
...now...with nothing being done to aid her...she only progressively gets worse and worse, as the days go by...and the insurance has now come to the point of taking coverage away from her...
In some government programs, I make as little of a difference of $57 too much to have her be able to get help...some it is $200-$300...but...nonetheless...I just make "too much" for her to get mental healthcare that she needs...same thing applies when it comes to her being applicable for disability...I *"make ... too much money."
Really???
Since when does that have to come into play when it comes to (a) CHILD(REN)'S BEST INTEREST!?!?!
...sigh...
So...now...here I sit...and I wait...and I hope...
I have sent out so many emails to lawyers for aid...and now...I just HOPE that there will be SOMEONE willing to aid the situation and make everything as good as possible for my daughter, for my son, and...even selfishly...for me...
There is nothing that I can personally do to therapeutically help her...there is nothing that I can garauntee 110% that she will not attack her brother/her teacher/her classmates/or anyone else who gets in her way; until they are at the VERY LEAST bleeding...
I hate everything about this...and everything about me that lacks whatever BOTH of my kids need...either individually or together...
I despise all who have hurt my children to cause them the anguish that they suffer to this day...of course, myself included, for I have screwed up and not been the "right" thing for them, at times, when they wanted/needed of me...
I wish all of the pain, suffering, unhappiness, un-easiness, strife, problems, bad situations, harm to anyone...just all of the bad and negative "stuff" would just GO AWAY and LEAVE US ALL ALONE...
~ so we can be genuinely happy...
~ so we can be safe in all ways...
~ so we can fully appreciate life and all it has to offer that is beneficial for us...
~ so we can just "be"...
...sigh...
...but...this IS MY life...
...sigh...
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1424469
The Bible discusses the aspects of hate though in reference to others in comparison to oneself, as to the reality of when knowing the scriptural contexts as to such scriptural understanding as to the differences as to hating others compared to hating a situation or the clearer wording as to despising a situation as to such interchangeable factors when referring to oneself in such references as to the poematic portions thereof as to such a style of writing for those who have either studied the English history of writing and/or the Latin and such situations as to the Grecian Pose as to such factors of those eras of writing aspects as to Aristotle and Socrates as well as others such as Ghengis Khan as well as the Buddah as to the Tao in such references of various scriptural writings when self-reflection is taking place as to the factors thereof to such a point in time as to the year of 2013 as to the combined aspects as to how it seemed as to prior to how I wound up in Washington state shortly thereafter as to such an ironic review as to such points in time as obviously as to how I wound up in the situations thereof as to the fact others had needlessly and wrongly looked as me as their enemy incorrectly as to such factors as to their wishes to try in other such regards though they did not know how the truth was going to come out despite the facts I told them exactly how the truth was going to come out.
I had not ever hidden such and in turn those who hypothetically made such false accusations would be seen as to the Excalibur Faire portions in truth as to all such reviews from this point as to such combined factors as to the year of 2021 to such points in time comparatively, as there is no longer the aspect as to such viewpoints as to the realities thereof as to how such occurrences actually happened as to each individuals' involvement comparatively.
I have had visions for decades and when there have been those who paid attention and acknowledged such truths, the more positive ways the situations were capable to go in such more positive directions.
Those who wished to ignore only to learn the realities in the ways thereof, I would guesstimate were far graver than they ever thought as to such possibilities.
I made constant attempts as striving to be the best I could for both my son as well as my daughter as well as myself, as being a Mom/Mother/Mommy was the only aspect I knew how to be.
I did not ever view anyone else as an enemy as to human beings as I would not have completed the works I had as to such SCUBA Diving factors among other situations if I had such a different view, however the realities of other situations as well as to such realities each situation of which I have brought forward has shown me whether in truth as to how I have genuinely been viewed as to my opinions as to the sensations thereof from the experiences.
Who has truthfully honestly validated my works other than myself, and brought such forward?
I would guess I would actually be informed as to such aspects depending upon the situations, as it was genuinely awesome to meet the first living Medal of Honor recipient in 2017 as the timing was such an ideal as to the factors thereof as to where I had to place the coin I had received for my Medal of Honor Art Project trips when I was in Colorado that year as to various astrological culminations occurred as to such a point in time as to the fuller aspects in conjunction as to the altitude as well as the electrical aspects as to the sensations which were far greater than I had ever picked up on before.
It was much more than I thought could ever be as to the energetic portions of the combinations thereof, though it is what it is I suppose as to such factors.
I continue making the attempts in various ways as to the possibilities thereof, though it is not a one way aspect as it takes two way discussions to actually have such situations move forward as I have explained to people before. However that requires others to actually speak with me using their words in a mature way when in person and face to face in person, compared to any other way as to such realities and truths thereof.
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