In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 10 April 2013 though revamped the aspects as to the name change as I explained in prior journal blogs though officially on 28 November 2021
1 Sweet Day...sigh...Mariah...you had it right...
This weekend was a blessing in disguise...in all honesty...
I have been pushed and pulled and looked over and passed by and just left alone and to myself; with the most recent events.
For those who I have not told; this is the update here...for quite a bit of things...
So...in no particular order...my ramblings...begin...
TOPIC #1: My daughter...
...sigh...
This is the most difficult decision that I have ever had to make...
Signing the dotted line to give my entire being away to the United States Army was not a second thought, for me.
Originally, I was looking at the Marines...but, I was greedy and I signed with the Army for the $30k bonus, once my training was completed...
...sigh...
OBVIOUSLY, the training was not completed...sigh...my stupidity of greediness...
So, signing my entire mind, body, heart, and soul away to the government...that...I had no second thoughts or wondering moments of if I was making the 'correct'; choice for me or anything of the sort...
HOWEVER...I sure as hell have had more than just second or third or fifth or 100th thought and wondering and thinking and pondering and so on...for whether or not I am doing the "right" thing...
...sigh...
20 March 2013...I went to court to speak before the judge about how I needed to give up custody of my littlest one, to the state...for her safety...for her brother's safety...for the teachers...the friends...just...sigh...everyone...sigh...including myself...even for when I've been trying to sleep...
...sigh...
I was ignorant; I was stupid enough not to research Texas laws when it came to CPS; I was dumb enough to think by New York and New Jersey (;-P) standards of the CPS system, from when my father went through foster care, orphanages, and installations; during his childhood, after his mother died and his father gave up the rights to my father's sister and my father.
As my dad had Tuberculosis in the 50's...that was a death sentence back then...my father's grandparents could only afford 1 child...and even though my father was the 1st born...a male...and full blooded Chinese...he was given up to the state, as his sister was kept within the family.
As my dad went through his childhood, he told me of random things/events/etc that he went through...
...I was and AM disgusted...
I was retarded enough to THINK for myself...and because I did that...I thought it would be where I could sign over my rights, after the investigation***(S)*** ...after all that has been proven as to what I have done for both of my children and their best interest in my heart....
I was pathetic and I thought I would have the ability to see my daughter, with the (foster) parents' permission/CPS's permission, while she is in custody...
...sigh...
NOPE!
On the day of court; that was when I found out that what I explained USED to be allowed...but no longer is...
...sigh...
So...once I sign the final paperwork...sigh...that is it...
I am not allowed to see my baby girl ever again...and I am not allowed to look for her once she turns of age...I have to wait and hope that she survives, and some possible day, she wants to find me...
I will openly admit to the fact that I have tears that are slowly rolling down my face, as I type this journal, and as my mind goes on to whatever I may type...
Do/did I know that Child Protective Services has cracks and crevices and mole hills that just are not taken care of properly?
ABSOLUTELY!
Did I expect the cluster fuck that I am involved in now?
Of course not...
Once the case went to court, my case was moved from one social worker to another...unbeknownst to me...within giving the new worker ANY information or ANY access to the records until THIS Monday, 8 April 2013...and only PARTIAL access...
I have repeatedly called the new worker, and received voice mail after voice mail after etc...YESTERDAY, we spoke for the 1st time, since 20 March...and she did not even realize that she had dialed my number...she thought she was calling the foster parents...
Obviously, for her, it was an eye-opening experience to realize who she actually called.
As she told me that my daughter was NOT placed in a special needs foster home...sigh...last week...sigh...she destroyed the room of the foster family...sigh...broke several windows...sigh...let alone the physical damage done to the OTHER 4 foster kids...or the foster family's birth children...sigh...or the foster parents, themselves...sigh...there are a few that are still in the hospital...sigh...
...sigh...
Now, she is in a mental hospital and the state is talking about RTC...ummm...duh...the whole reason as to WHY this decision was made by me...because my insurance dropped her from all of her benefits from what she had because of all previous "trials"; as they put it.
...sigh...wow...just...wow...
...sigh...
So...since yesterday morning, the new worker and I have been in constant communication; and I went into as much detail as possible about my daughter and situation so she could understand what she had not been informed of...
...you know...
...some things that might be important to know...like...her violent past and her ability to think of random objects to become weapons IN HER SCHOOL, let alone in the outside...
...sigh...
So...I was informed that she needs some clothing and whatnot and the foster family wants nothing to do with my child.
Understandably so.
However, knowing my daughter (legally my child or not) needs simple things such as CLOTHES or PANTIES or toys or whatever...I cannot let her go without and have to resort to the donation bins...
That being said, I found out that because everything has gone as it has...I may not be able to have a final visitation with my daughter before I lose her forever...
I had started by taking a random journal that I found and writing randomly in it...just thoughts that came to me, here and there, that I felt that I needed to note...not knowing how everything was going to go...a very good friend of mine suggested the idea to write to my daughter well over a month after I started...and I figured that I was on the 'right' path with that decision...
...sigh...
...unfortunately...
...sigh...
...I was...
...
Today, I found out that when I drop off the items for my child; this may be the last and only opportunity to have ANY contact with my child...for AT LEAST 8 years...
...sigh...
...so glad I started the writing when I did...
...sigh...
...so glad...
...
So, once I finish this update...I will be writing my final notes to my daughter...for my (potentially) last time to have the ability to have anything to do with her...then it will be off to take a shower...getting my son, her brother, ready to go...dinner...off to pick up random articles of clothing/books/toys (within reason and allowance of the hospital's regulations
- i.e.: no strings on any clothes/shoes/toys/purse/etc....
...sigh...
...and then...off to the hospital...
...sigh...
I am dreading this moment...I have been dreading...and yes...I fully admit that I am procrastinating with time, as I write...I just do not want to face this...even though...sigh...I know that there is no other safe choice...
...sigh...
My soul is screaming in agony from the all of the flames have begun to singe my skin, and slowly cooking me; from the outside and working inward...my heart yearns for just one more day...one more hour...hell...just one more minute to behold her gorgeous little face...her precious smile...her twinkling eyes...her...her...sigh...her...
I do not want to do this.
I did not want to have to do this.
I despise every bit of my being within this universe for being forced here and in this situation.
I hate myself...I hate my life...I hate me...
End of story...
Technically a 2nd Topic...but...well...I will pause where I am at...and go with the next thing...that was not planned to be written about...but...well...here I am...
Now...it is 6:28am on 10 April 2013...
This entry was started around 17:20 yesterday; 9 April 2013...
...sigh...
I did not make it out of my home until well after 22:30...
...yes...procrastination, at it's finest...
...sigh...
After typing what is in Topic 1, I will admit that I broke down...sigh...I cried like the "little" bitch that I am.
('little' ~ being the key word) ;-P
After calming myself down, as best as possible; I finished writing in the book I had for my daughter...for the last time...it has been less than 24 hours and I have already thought of things that I HOPE that I wrote to her...I HOPE that I remembered to say...I HOPE that I didn't forget to tell her just one more time...
...not enough "I love you" 's in the book...not enough "I am sorry for messing things up and not doing/being/saying/[enter here] needs/wants/desires for her 'mom' to be...just...sigh...not enough...
The journal was more than halfway written in by the time I signed my name, on the last page of my writing...sigh...1.5" journal worth of empty pages to fill...still...sigh...not enough...
...
I despise everything right now.
I hate life.
I loathe ALL medical "PRACTI ~tioners" (it is called medical PRACTICE ~ because they OBVIOUSLY have not gotten it "right")...ESPECIALLY in the mental health department...all whom I have had dealings with...directly and/or in-directly...
I cannot begin to put into words my thoughts on the "system"...system being a LOOSELY used term...as the word 'system' requires SOME organization within...well...my experience...
Organization...city and/or state government...sigh...adding the combination of words equals; an OXY- MORON...
...just sayin'...
Just something as small as taking her some belongings just had to turn into some huge ordeal...sigh...really?
Just to take the damn belongings and give them to my child, so she no longer needs to use things from the donation bin, because the foster family no longer wants anything to do with my child.
Yes, the foster family should have NEVER been involved with my daughter, as they were not given the information about my child...they were not warned...
...stupid "system"...
CPS did NOT explain the mental health issues...they did NOT keep her IEP/ARD going...they allowed my daughter into a home with 4 other foster children, adding the family's 2 natural children, with the mom and dad...
...sigh...
ALL people listed...sigh...after my daughter was taken to the mental health hospital...sigh...they ALL had to make a trip to the ER...sigh...and to this day (more than a week after the incident)...sigh...there are still a few that were involved who are
STILL receiving medical treatment for the injuries...let alone the damage to the property...kitchen...room (S)...etc...
...sigh...
Stupid "people"...stupid "system"...stupid life...grrr...
...sigh...
...stupid me...
Last night, while in my boyfriend's arms...after taking what I could to the hospital...I just laid there...staring into space, randomly...sigh...
I do not like life right now...I do not "feel ok"...I AM NOT anywhere close to any form of 'happiness' when it comes to my 'family' life...because...well...I no longer have a 'family'...per se...
I have my son...
I have his dog...
I have...well...that's about the whole ball of wax...
I no longer have my daughter...sigh...hell...it was not until last night that I fully realized (as much as possible) how my daughter, since 2010...has not been within my home consistently for more than 3-5 weeks...sigh...
All other time, between at most a 3-5 week increment...sigh...she has been hospitalized either in an Acute Center or a Residential Center...sigh...
I never was able to give MY daughter 'the talk'...that came LONG after one of her hospital stays, that she had spoken with a variety of hospital staff...
I was not the person who was able to buy her the first bra...
I was not able to speak with her about her menses...sigh...let alone be there to assist during her first few...
I have not had the ability to talk about 'boys'...no conversations about dating have...sigh...or will occur...
I do not...will not...cannot be a 'mom' to MY child...that kills me the most...
I call my hair color...
I want all the pain to stop...the guilt to go away...the shame of my mistakes and lacking to be repaired...sigh...and so on...
I would NEVER wish this upon ANYONE ...not a single soul...not my 'worst enemy'...not any random person who has 'upset' me...not to anyone...
I have often wondered what I have done to karmically deserve everything that has been and is on my plate...
...sigh...
...still...no answers...
...sigh...
I cannot complain any further...sigh...it is just too much...
TOPIC 3: "Friends"...more like... ACQUAINTANCE List...
And to me...I have decided that I do not want an Acquaintance List...
I want a "Friend" List...
So...once this journal is finished and posted...it is time for some SEVERE cleaning...
...SEVERE cleaning...
...bleach...mops...Pledge...anti-bacterial ~ hospital I.C.U. grade ONLY; of course ~ wipes/sprays/liquids/etc...Lysol...disinfectants...murderers of all germs and yuckies...
TOPIC 4: Name Change
I have changed my fetlife name from Ms. MeeLing; to a new name...I think that this name "fits" me perfectly...