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The Ornery P.S.A.
a philosophical-ish
Blog

 

It should not take a head injury
*after personally sustaining a head injury & coma*
to figure this out...

 
 
 
 
 
 


After a Drill Sergeant threw Me into the metal part of the bunk when I was in Basic Training for the United States of America's Army branch at Fort Sill Oklahoma #FortSill #FortSillOK #FortSillOklahoma #OK #Oklahoma in the year of 2000 on Psalm Sunday, I have dealt with the situations as best as I have been capable to do so while taking care of the situations and asking for assistance as per the required explanations of the information to such facts first.  While making the attempts to get assistance for the aspects thereof as to the reality, the aspects of where and when as to the multiple attempts to ask for assistance for me.  As my journal blog for when I was ready to bring such as to my other works forward since as to the lengths of time as to where my modeling was as to the modeling page information, just as the other pages have the information as to such specifics, and just as this journal blog of mine is as to such facts.


If I had real friends (if as to having met in person face to face in person in real life as to the aspects of this particular reference such as from the state of Texas as to the state of Washington as to the years of 2000 through 2013 if I met within the state of Texas for such references), real (the areas of the tristate region as before the year of 2000) family, and real relationships in real life that recognized me as to the aspects of if as to the face to face in person who started in truth as I had started such in truth as to the after effects from my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury, as well as the subarachnoid hemorrhage in the frontal lobe of my brain that took 8.5 years to dissipate; then I guesstimate there would be the easier factors as to being capable for me to speak with others in truth in person face to face in person and/or through online measures as to such factors I suppose.  Though would such as to the knowledge of the ways as to how they began such discussions with me as to would there be such a situation, for them to consider as to such if factors as to such discussions with me in truth?


As to some suggestions and commentary within "Finding A Silver Lining" one of several of my bo0ks I personally authored/wrote/compiled as I can only speak and write in truth as per such clarifications as to the reality as to the specifics of such discussions/writings/videos as per my Official You Tube where I have satirical commentary where I comment about the factors as to having dealt with others' opinions about their pop culture references of #NJ #NJstate #NewJersey #NewJerseystate New Jersey, though as to for the most part I have actually preferred to be asked with politeness if as to having read my books and/or seen my website as just the same in reference to the timeframes when I was modeling as to having respect as to what I consider as respect, referencing if as to such polite manners as to discussions if as to such having been noticed because of the factors in my opinion as to having real discussions as communication would be if my website was seen before the year of 2023 as I first began my website in 2015; as in my journal blog posts as to the reality of the years of 2010 through 2013, as to the aspects of introductions as to those timeframes when as to various factors as I did not take selfies as I was actually working with photographers as to my creations of my outfits as per the description on the link to my modeling page(s) as to the references regarding my journal blog updates in the years of 2019 through 2022 as the timeframe onward as to the year of 2023 as to the factors as to how such journal blog entries will be as to such factors as to the aspects of the various topic points.


Go read through the multiple journal blogs on my website after finishing scrolling to get to the journal blog area, now!

Share the links of my journal blog, too!




 I was born and raised in New Jersey and grew up going throughout the tristate northeast areas mainly, and as to how the reality of when the importance of the situations as to the aspects of reviewing as to such facts regarding the logistics for several factors as to the considerations; the years of 2019 through 2022 as to the review process as to the aspects of the timeframe, prior to the timeframe of the 20 year memorial of 11 September 2001 also known as 9/11 as well as before the 30 year memorial of February 1993, as to the northeast areas mostly known as to New York City #NYC #NewYork #NY #NYstate #NYU though also as to the #Pentagon Pentagon, as well as Pennsylvania #Pennstate #Pennsylvaniastate as to the reality of how many New Jersey-ians commute in either direction, depending upon what location for the commute. 


The factors though I have said at times, I re-re-re-re-re-re-grew up in the state of  #Texas #TX #Texasstate Texas as to such factors as to the timeframes, as well as all 26 of my SCUBA #SCUBA #SCUBADiving  Diving certifications I earned were through one school within the state of Texas as I also earned winning first place in a Texas Chili cookoff with more than 20 entries as well as my chili recipe as I am adamant about my recipes as to such aspects just as I am specific as to what it actually takes for me to cook in a BBQ as to the required preparations for when I have BBQed.   



I can sarcastically write, those who know of the Rules of the BBQ as to where I grew up as to the Rules of the BBQ as to such factors to the considerations of such preparations.  However that is to cooking food as to the differences of my journal blog entries, as to the factors as to proverbial aspects of food for thought as the difference of real food in real life as to the facts of the situations to such attention to the details as well as attention to the information.


Such facts as to the metaphors in some of such factors that only after reviewing such information as to the aspects of the fiction book series that were as to for My personal life as to such dreamland sorts of factors as to the differences of such hypotheticals, the references thereof as to such regards as to the logistical emotional with the real situations as per the names I was informed of at the timeframes referenced review as to My journal blog as to the situations overall.  


If as to my journal blog being found and read as to where what I consider as common sense, as to the aspects of my satirical saying   how it should not take a head injury to figure out. 
 

*(sometimes utilizing articles discussing facts)*
By:  (Reverend) Susan MeeLing
also known as

The One & Only


(YouTube)   Lady Dori Belle


 

Business Card.jpg

REMEMBER:

​

After the head injury caused a coma while I learned how to deal with the headaches, migraines, cognitive disorders, memory problems, and other medical conditions I went from College Algebra with Trigonometry & Calculus down to 2nd grade math.  Here is how logic works for someone like me::

~  It took awhile for the doctor's recommendation to use sticky notes, to help remember.

~  It took several months to realize sticky notes moved, let alone to remember to speak with the doctor.

~  After I finally remembered to ask the doctor about the note problem, notebooks were recommended.

~  When I could remember to pick up a notebook, it took a long time to learn similar to sticky notes, notebooks are not always where they were placed.

~  After I was able to organize the notebooks over several months I still had not learned notebooks are not always readily available, at the necessary time.

~  When I remembered to speak with the doctor about the notebook problem the doctor had few other suggestions, to assist memories better.

~  After several events and adding up sticky note and notebook location problems, I realized my skin goes everywhere I do.

~  Wanting my tattoos to only be for me and not for public consumption I started the ink on my legs, able to hide easier.

~  It would not be until many tattoos and several years later I would realize my memory problems were usually not as bad when wearing shorts, capri pants, or a skirt.

~  Between 3-5 years after my first tattoo I had the first tattoo completed on my arms, and my memory has slowly progressed towards an easier memory jolt.

 

 

When I say "it should not take a head injury to figure this out" it is partially in humor from personal experiences, towards understanding.

 

If I can laugh at my mistakes after recognizing and dealing with them, so can you.

 

You have the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom I lack in order to put everything together to fix the problems seen with abilities I do not have. 

​

Utilize the information within the blog to find genuine repairs and instead of complaining of the "hurtful" commentary, prevent the issues from reoccurring.

​

Then again, it should not take a head injury to figure that one out.

​

Do make sure to link my journal blog entry articles to yours if you refer to my works for any of your research in the slightest, for proper credit. 

 

Thank you, in advance.

REMEMBER:

​

​

After the head injury caused a coma while I learned how to deal with the headaches, migraines, cognitive disorders, memory problems, and other medical conditions I went from College Algebra with Trigonometry & Calculus down to 2nd grade math.  Here is how logic works for someone like me::

~  It took awhile for the doctor's recommendation to use sticky notes, to help remember.

~  It took several months to realize sticky notes moved, let alone to remember to speak with the doctor.

~  After I finally remembered to ask the doctor about the note problem, notebooks were recommended.

~  When I could remember to pick up a notebook, it took a long time to learn similar to sticky notes, notebooks are not always where they were placed.

~  After I was able to organize the notebooks over several months I still had not learned notebooks are not always readily available, at the necessary time.

~  When I remembered to speak with the doctor about the notebook problem the doctor had few other suggestions, to assist memories better.

~  After several events and adding up sticky note and notebook location problems, I realized my skin goes everywhere I do.

~  Wanting my tattoos to only be for me and not for public consumption I started the ink on my legs, able to hide easier.

~  It would not be until many tattoos and several years later I would realize my memory problems were usually not as bad when wearing shorts, capri pants, or a skirt.

~  Between 3-5 years after my first tattoo I had the first tattoo completed on my arms, and my memory has slowly progressed towards an easier memory jolt.

 

 

When I say "it should not take a head injury to figure this out" it is partially in humor from personal experiences, towards understanding.

 

If I can laugh at my mistakes after recognizing and dealing with them, so can you.

 

You have the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom I lack in order to put everything together to fix the problems seen with abilities I do not have. 

​

Utilize the information within the blog to find genuine repairs and instead of complaining of the "hurtful" commentary, prevent the issues from reoccurring.

​

Then again, it should not take a head injury to figure that one out.

​

Do make sure to link my journal blog entry articles to yours if you refer to my works for any of your research in the slightest, for proper credit. 

 

Thank you, in advance.

Remember, since I was either six or seven years old I have been giving warnings as to the best of my ability as to the visions I had which began when I was in second grade of Elementary school.  The first warning I gave officially as to my nightmare vision compared to my dream vision was in the year of 1988 or 1989, compared to the online writings and my books as well as my journal blog entries year timeline for the information.


If anyone is upset please direct your upset towards those who had made the choices to constantly needlessly block my warnings and/or try to explain otherwise as to their trying to curb their responsibilities, in comparison to the responsible and respectful choices as best as I could possibly do so as a child starting as to such information at the age of when I was six in 1988 or seven years old in 1989.


I made every attempt to inform as best as I possibly could, though hopefully the clarifications throughout my various books and writings as well as journal blog entries compared to the amount of people in multiple areas which I had spoken with about in person from the years of 1988 or 1989 through to 2012 more continuously before 2013. 


In the year of 2019 is when I began reviewing such details and onward through the years since 2019 more officially, however I made the attempts to give the warnings and what others' choices have been as to whatever proof thereof to who you should be speaking with as to what they told you in comparison as to the upset and anger with in comparison.


How many assistances I have made attempt towards betterment as to the clarifications from the year of 1988 or 1989 onward did it truly have to take for each to genuinely pay attention, as I have been making the best attempts to assist for the best possibilities how?

Combining Original Accounts for Clarification: #35 of 88

In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.




I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.



Posted on 10 April 2013 though revamped the aspects as to the name change as I explained in prior journal blogs though officially on 28 November 2021



1 Sweet Day...sigh...Mariah...you had it right...






This weekend was a blessing in disguise...in all honesty...




I have been pushed and pulled and looked over and passed by and just left alone and to myself; with the most recent events.




For those who I have not told; this is the update here...for quite a bit of things...




So...in no particular order...my ramblings...begin...




TOPIC #1: My daughter...




...sigh...




This is the most difficult decision that I have ever had to make...




Signing the dotted line to give my entire being away to the United States Army was not a second thought, for me.




Originally, I was looking at the Marines...but, I was greedy and I signed with the Army for the $30k bonus, once my training was completed...




...sigh...




OBVIOUSLY, the training was not completed...sigh...my stupidity of greediness...




So, signing my entire mind, body, heart, and soul away to the government...that...I had no second thoughts or wondering moments of if I was making the 'correct'; choice for me or anything of the sort...




HOWEVER...I sure as hell have had more than just second or third or fifth or 100th thought and wondering and thinking and pondering and so on...for whether or not I am doing the "right" thing...




...sigh...

  • 20 March 2013...I went to court to speak before the judge about how I needed to give up custody of my littlest one, to the state...for her safety...for her brother's safety...for the teachers...the friends...just...sigh...everyone...sigh...including myself...even for when I've been trying to sleep...




...sigh...




I was ignorant; I was stupid enough not to research Texas laws when it came to CPS; I was dumb enough to think by New York and New Jersey (;-P) standards of the CPS system, from when my father went through foster care, orphanages, and installations; during his childhood, after his mother died and his father gave up the rights to my father's sister and my father.




As my dad had Tuberculosis in the 50's...that was a death sentence back then...my father's grandparents could only afford 1 child...and even though my father was the 1st born...a male...and full blooded Chinese...he was given up to the state, as his sister was kept within the family.




As my dad went through his childhood, he told me of random things/events/etc that he went through...




...I was and AM disgusted...




I was retarded enough to THINK for myself...and because I did that...I thought it would be where I could sign over my rights, after the investigation***(S)*** ...after all that has been proven as to what I have done for both of my children and their best interest in my heart....




I was pathetic and I thought I would have the ability to see my daughter, with the (foster) parents' permission/CPS's permission, while she is in custody...




...sigh...




NOPE!




On the day of court; that was when I found out that what I explained USED to be allowed...but no longer is...




...sigh...




So...once I sign the final paperwork...sigh...that is it...




I am not allowed to see my baby girl ever again...and I am not allowed to look for her once she turns of age...I have to wait and hope that she survives, and some possible day, she wants to find me...




I will openly admit to the fact that I have tears that are slowly rolling down my face, as I type this journal, and as my mind goes on to whatever I may type...




Do/did I know that Child Protective Services has cracks and crevices and mole hills that just are not taken care of properly?




ABSOLUTELY!




Did I expect the cluster fuck that I am involved in now?




Of course not...




Once the case went to court, my case was moved from one social worker to another...unbeknownst to me...within giving the new worker ANY information or ANY access to the records until THIS Monday, 8 April 2013...and only PARTIAL access...




I have repeatedly called the new worker, and received voice mail after voice mail after etc...YESTERDAY, we spoke for the 1st time, since 20 March...and she did not even realize that she had dialed my number...she thought she was calling the foster parents...




Obviously, for her, it was an eye-opening experience to realize who she actually called.




As she told me that my daughter was NOT placed in a special needs foster home...sigh...last week...sigh...she destroyed the room of the foster family...sigh...broke several windows...sigh...let alone the physical damage done to the OTHER 4 foster kids...or the foster family's birth children...sigh...or the foster parents, themselves...sigh...there are a few that are still in the hospital...sigh...




...sigh...




Now, she is in a mental hospital and the state is talking about RTC...ummm...duh...the whole reason as to WHY this decision was made by me...because my insurance dropped her from all of her benefits from what she had because of all previous "trials"; as they put it.




...sigh...wow...just...wow...




...sigh...




So...since yesterday morning, the new worker and I have been in constant communication; and I went into as much detail as possible about my daughter and situation so she could understand what she had not been informed of...




...you know...




...some things that might be important to know...like...her violent past and her ability to think of random objects to become weapons IN HER SCHOOL, let alone in the outside...




...sigh...




So...I was informed that she needs some clothing and whatnot and the foster family wants nothing to do with my child.




Understandably so.




However, knowing my daughter (legally my child or not) needs simple things such as CLOTHES or PANTIES or toys or whatever...I cannot let her go without and have to resort to the donation bins...




That being said, I found out that because everything has gone as it has...I may not be able to have a final visitation with my daughter before I lose her forever...




I had started by taking a random journal that I found and writing randomly in it...just thoughts that came to me, here and there, that I felt that I needed to note...not knowing how everything was going to go...a very good friend of mine suggested the idea to write to my daughter well over a month after I started...and I figured that I was on the 'right' path with that decision...




...sigh...




...unfortunately...




...sigh...




...I was...




...




Today, I found out that when I drop off the items for my child; this may be the last and only opportunity to have ANY contact with my child...for AT LEAST 8 years...




...sigh...




...so glad I started the writing when I did...




...sigh...




...so glad...




...




So, once I finish this update...I will be writing my final notes to my daughter...for my (potentially) last time to have the ability to have anything to do with her...then it will be off to take a shower...getting my son, her brother, ready to go...dinner...off to pick up random articles of clothing/books/toys (within reason and allowance of the hospital's regulations



- i.e.: no strings on any clothes/shoes/toys/purse/etc....




...sigh...




...and then...off to the hospital...




...sigh...




I am dreading this moment...I have been dreading...and yes...I fully admit that I am procrastinating with time, as I write...I just do not want to face this...even though...sigh...I know that there is no other safe choice...




...sigh...




My soul is screaming in agony from the all of the flames have begun to singe my skin, and slowly cooking me; from the outside and working inward...my heart yearns for just one more day...one more hour...hell...just one more minute to behold her gorgeous little face...her precious smile...her twinkling eyes...her...her...sigh...her...




I do not want to do this.




I did not want to have to do this.




I despise every bit of my being within this universe for being forced here and in this situation.




I hate myself...I hate my life...I hate me...




End of story...




Technically a 2nd Topic...but...well...I will pause where I am at...and go with the next thing...that was not planned to be written about...but...well...here I am...




Now...it is 6:28am on 10 April 2013...

  • This entry was started around 17:20 yesterday; 9 April 2013...




...sigh...




I did not make it out of my home until well after 22:30...




...yes...procrastination, at it's finest...




...sigh...




After typing what is in Topic 1, I will admit that I broke down...sigh...I cried like the "little" bitch that I am.




('little' ~ being the key word) ;-P




After calming myself down, as best as possible; I finished writing in the book I had for my daughter...for the last time...it has been less than 24 hours and I have already thought of things that I HOPE that I wrote to her...I HOPE that I remembered to say...I HOPE that I didn't forget to tell her just one more time...




...not enough "I love you" 's in the book...not enough "I am sorry for messing things up and not doing/being/saying/[enter here] needs/wants/desires for her 'mom' to be...just...sigh...not enough...




The journal was more than halfway written in by the time I signed my name, on the last page of my writing...sigh...1.5" journal worth of empty pages to fill...still...sigh...not enough...




...




I despise everything right now.




I hate life.




I loathe ALL medical "PRACTI ~tioners" (it is called medical PRACTICE ~ because they OBVIOUSLY have not gotten it "right")...ESPECIALLY in the mental health department...all whom I have had dealings with...directly and/or in-directly...




I cannot begin to put into words my thoughts on the "system"...system being a LOOSELY used term...as the word 'system' requires SOME organization within...well...my experience...




Organization...city and/or state government...sigh...adding the combination of words equals; an OXY- MORON...




...just sayin'...




Just something as small as taking her some belongings just had to turn into some huge ordeal...sigh...really?




Just to take the damn belongings and give them to my child, so she no longer needs to use things from the donation bin, because the foster family no longer wants anything to do with my child.




Yes, the foster family should have NEVER been involved with my daughter, as they were not given the information about my child...they were not warned...




...stupid "system"...




CPS did NOT explain the mental health issues...they did NOT keep her IEP/ARD going...they allowed my daughter into a home with 4 other foster children, adding the family's 2 natural children, with the mom and dad...




...sigh...




ALL people listed...sigh...after my daughter was taken to the mental health hospital...sigh...they ALL had to make a trip to the ER...sigh...and to this day (more than a week after the incident)...sigh...there are still a few that were involved who are

STILL receiving medical treatment for the injuries...let alone the damage to the property...kitchen...room (S)...etc...




...sigh...




Stupid "people"...stupid "system"...stupid life...grrr...




...sigh...




...stupid me...




Last night, while in my boyfriend's arms...after taking what I could to the hospital...I just laid there...staring into space, randomly...sigh...




I do not like life right now...I do not "feel ok"...I AM NOT anywhere close to any form of 'happiness' when it comes to my 'family' life...because...well...I no longer have a 'family'...per se...




I have my son...




I have his dog...




I have...well...that's about the whole ball of wax...




I no longer have my daughter...sigh...hell...it was not until last night that I fully realized (as much as possible) how my daughter, since 2010...has not been within my home consistently for more than 3-5 weeks...sigh...




All other time, between at most a 3-5 week increment...sigh...she has been hospitalized either in an Acute Center or a Residential Center...sigh...




I never was able to give MY daughter 'the talk'...that came LONG after one of her hospital stays, that she had spoken with a variety of hospital staff...




I was not the person who was able to buy her the first bra...




I was not able to speak with her about her menses...sigh...let alone be there to assist during her first few...




I have not had the ability to talk about 'boys'...no conversations about dating have...sigh...or will occur...




I do not...will not...cannot be a 'mom' to MY child...that kills me the most...

  • I call my hair color...

I want all the pain to stop...the guilt to go away...the shame of my mistakes and lacking to be repaired...sigh...and so on...

  • I would NEVER wish this upon ANYONE ...not a single soul...not my 'worst enemy'...not any random person who has 'upset' me...not to anyone...




I have often wondered what I have done to karmically deserve everything that has been and is on my plate...




...sigh...




...still...no answers...




...sigh...




I cannot complain any further...sigh...it is just too much...




TOPIC 3: "Friends"...more like... ACQUAINTANCE List...




And to me...I have decided that I do not want an Acquaintance List...




I want a "Friend" List...




So...once this journal is finished and posted...it is time for some SEVERE cleaning...




...SEVERE cleaning...




...bleach...mops...Pledge...anti-bacterial ~ hospital I.C.U. grade ONLY; of course ~ wipes/sprays/liquids/etc...Lysol...disinfectants...murderers of all germs and yuckies...




TOPIC 4: Name Change




I have changed my fetlife name from Ms. MeeLing; to a new name...I think that this name "fits" me perfectly...