#Heaven #Purgatory #Hell in #BDSM

What I built many years ago and wrote about in my FSL book as well as on #fetlife


One day back in 2011 when I was reengaged to my fiancé Shaun, I had an idea to create a new style of bed from the king size bed I purchased from #Havertys online. The bed was a rounded circular bed with brown patent leather with texturized fabric with a flat headboard and instead of a circular mattress needing to be special ordered, it was able to fit a normal king size mattress inside of the raised platform. As I told Shaun what my plans were for the bed, he told me I should wait until he returned from the field from #FortHood in #Killeen #Texas for him to help me put the idea I had in mind into formation. I asked him if he was challenging me, but he chuckled on the phone call telling me he could help me assemble everything to be stronger. I reminded him of what I had told him before, which was I had done extremely well in my woodshop class when growing up in the state of #NewJersey. Just before he and I got off of the phone, I told him I would be finished building my idea before he was back from the field. He told me “I’ll test the capabilities, when I get back.”


I admit, I did not take kindly to the challenge as I envisioned salt being thrown on the floor as he challenged me. Once off of the phone I went to #HomeDepot to pick up the materials, not remembering my problems with numbers. I was just like a kid in a candy store as I have nicknamed #HomeDepot Dom Depot, as the amount of fun things which can be made from the various materials throughout every inch of that store. As a sadist, I found quite a few lovely ideas when walking throughout the location. Though I also admit back then, I did not realize the #NSA might wonder what I was doing when purchasing such odd items and the #FBI might be interested in wondering what I was up to. As I had not explained anything beforehand, I just went along and picked up what I needed here and there.


When I went to the wood section I had picked out 4 inch by 4 inch pieces of wood, and had them cut to my specific measurements, before getting the MTF board and doing the same for those two pieces. I then went to the area where I found 9 horse hitches which could handle the strength of what I was building, and then I chose which type of chain needed for my project. I knew the measurements of the thickness of my bed and what additional lengths would be needed, and I chose the strongest chain the store had available which had been 1500 pound weighted chain. I was going to originally use nails or regular screws but because of being challenged, I chose to purchase tech-wood screws for the installation of the horse hitches. I had the different chains cut to 3 different lengths as I had already contacted a friend of mine in the #BDSM lifestyle to customize different cuffs and collars to match for each level; all in my standard specific colors of black and white, as had been my BDSM colors by choice when I first entered the lifestyle in 2004 and had also been my #SCUBADiving colors for my #SCUBA gear. One set of the cuffs were created by #Shrek which were black rubber with white bunny fur for the interior, one set was made by an online website with back leather exterior and white suede interior, and the other set was made by a company in #Chicago #Illinois with black leather and white roses on the exterior.


When I returned to the house in #CedarPark #Texas, I put everything together though because I mis-measured the 4 inch wood lengths, I had to return to the store to purchase a circular saw. I admit my cognitive disability disorder probably showed in full then as I purchased a 4 inch circular saw set, and did not think about only 2 inches being available to cut the wood itself. When I had finished getting everything set up I had adhered the different pieces together, to create the three different levels in my bed. A little bit later, Shaun returned from the time in the field. He took a couple of days to get cleaned up, before coming over to see what I had made all by myself. I am still quite proud of myself for what I made, as I did it all without any help; and I knew he would not be able to break it; no one could the way I made it. The best part of the construction no one knew, I had screwed each one of the screws which interlocked by hand without the use of a drill to make the holes or to get them to interlock; though I guesstimate it makes sense for me not to use a drill since I have headaches and migraines.

Later when the different levels were taken apart it took longer to take apart one set of screws with a drill for one horse hitch, than it took for me to get all of the materials, to go back to the store to get the circular saw and return, as well as to put all of the layers together.


When Shaun arrived, I was excited to see him and after we talked for awhile he said, “Okay, let me see what you did.”


I grabbed the hand that was not hurt and ran him to the bedroom to show him the freshly made bed which Shaun asked, “What is the difference?”


I said, “Do you like it? This part is called, heaven.”


Shaun looked at me and as I pulled the hidden first set of chains with the bunny fur cuffs out from underneath the mattress he said, “You call this heaven, I can see that. So, what’s the big deal and why are you smiling so deviously? You look, like you have something up your sleeve.”


I smiled a bit bigger and said, “Yeppers! Remove the mattress, and you will see purgatory.”


He stopped smiling and asked me, “What do you mean, you made purgatory?”


I asked, “Did I stutter, at all?”


Shaun shook his head side to side as I repeated, “Go ahead, and lift the mattress. You’re such a big strong tanker, go ahead.”


When he stood there looking at the bed and then at me and back and forth, I pulled the comforter and pillows off of the bed, and picked up the king size mattress to push against the wall where the window was. When Shaun saw me move the mattress by myself he was surprised as I turned around saying as I pointed to the MTF boards which had a set of 3 hinges to keep the seams together and assist the stability, “That level, is what I call purgatory.”


Shaun’s face turned a bit pale as he tried to laugh while saying, “Oh, my God.”


I asked, “What do you think? Do you like what I made?”


He put one hand over his eyes saying, “Oh, my God.”


I said, “Yes, and?”


He said, “You have got to be, joking.”


I said, “Nope, not a joke. There is truth behind each joke, but I am not joking. Though the truth which is behind each joke, depends upon who is telling the joke, the reference of, and the intention behind it.”


Shaun walked around one of the sides to pull on one of the chains asking me, “What type of chain, is that?”


I giggled and said, “It’s only fifteen-hundred-pound weighted chain, for you mister big strong tanker; that’s nothing to you right?”


Shaun remained silent for a bit when I said, “I think your dad, might be impressed.”


He looked at me asking, “What do you mean, by that?”


I shook my head saying, “Never-mind, don’t you worry about that.”


Shaun asked me, “Is there anything else, little miss smarty pants?”


I jumped up and down clapping my hands a few times saying, “Oh! Oh! I am so glad, you asked!


Move the MTF boards, and you will see the final layer!”


Shaun asked, “What do you mean, the final layer?”


I said, “How could I make heaven and purgatory, without making hell? Duh!”


His eyes got a little bit bigger and because he did not move fast enough I picked up the MTF boards after folding them together, to reveal the T-shaped center piece with the wooden frame around the edge of the outer most portion of the frame. The T portion was measured to be at the shoulder’s height when laying down and the collar portion was at the tip point with enough slack in the chain to allow for safety, if used. Though Saun the big mister tanker wanted to test whether or not I made everything strong enough, he decided he wanted to only test the purgatory section of wood and then only play in heaven afterwards when he was done. He remained in purgatory for 30 minutes as he said he would not give up, but he knew as soon as he called the color; I would release him from the chains. Once his face was as red as my hair from trying so much and looking so absolutely adorable in his attempts to break what I made; I released him from the restraints, and I put the mattress back onto the bed. After a cigarette break he and I returned to the bedroom, and only played in heaven thereafter. Though he never questioned my ability to build anything, after that.


Though the relationship ended because of the various text messages I received and then the lack of communication after the messages I received, I never saw him afterwards in Texas. I thought I saw him one time in #Tacoma at #SteelCreek, but it did not click until many weeks after that moment. I have a feeling when he looked through my modeling pictures if he had seen the photographers had photoshopped out of the pictures the ring he gave me, he had the misconception of lack of concern or care when it had always been. In such ironically and sadly, creating the photographic version of hell and purgatory as such unless he looked at the reflection areas to see they could not remove the image of the ring from those areas for the most part.


While I wish if that was Shaun he had said something to me, though I feel at this point the aspects of which my recent books I wrote may have been a reason as to why he had not at the time. I admit at this point if I saw him and not being in a relationship, how easily I could fall back into his arms.


However I also know if I were in a relationship, how my loyalties are and how I do not allow myself to be like others in such a way. A dichotomy admittedly as though I am one who cares and loves strongly while also being polyamorous, when in a relationship if the set up of the rules are one way; then I strongly stay as such, without wavering in the slightest. I admit though I believe I am not the only one who when seeing a former relationship partner can fall back into such a relationship easily, I also admit because of the way I am if in a relationship which is with another I do not allow myself to follow through with anything except the loyalties of that relationship. Though I know there are others who do not have that type of an ability, I also know I am not the only one who does.




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