Updated: Aug 18, 2020
Though I comprehend far more than some might want to believe whereas others who know me as well as others who actually know someone who truly knows me, are able to explain; do not judge a book, by it’s cover very much applies to me, in various ways. Those who actually know me and those who have met me comprehend through what they have seen with their own eyes in person seeing me, heard with their own ears when speaking with me, witnessed among themselves who could actually verify and despite my physical appearances of my haircut, my hair color, the multiple #tattoos as well as what I have written about including what I have done; I am far more demur than most would actually think upon laying their eyes, upon me. A talk with someone I knew many years ago would be the most ideal person to ask, as though he saw me in reactions which I was ferocious and watched as I threw a cafeteria table out of my way to defend him against another; he also had seen me in ways no other since my childhood friend who died because of a car accident; and none since him with the exception of one person, maybe two at most. No, that would not include my dead-ex-husband for those who prefer and preferred him, instead of me.
I know, I am not the only person who is like this.
I know there are probably people who are different types of #celebrities in their own rights who are actually probably, extremely shy. I know there are probably #news #journalists as well as #lawyers and #politicians who might be willing and are quite capable of debating furiously to the point of foaming at the mouth who in other circumstances, are quite reserved. I am absolutely positive there are #business people who are able to be cut-throat and at the next moment outside of the business board room, are quiet and meek. I know for a fact there have to be #models, #actresses, #actors, #musicians, and the like who are quite amazing at what they do and yet outside of their comfort zone(s), they are the complete opposite from anything they may have portrayed. I am doubting of my accuracy of #authors who are extremely bashful just as there are plenty of #military/#lawenforcement/#emergency #firstresponders as well as #religious and #spiritual individuals who when in their particular element of comfort, they can be everything they are but the moment they are in unfamiliar territory; they close up tighter than an oyster shell to maintain the pearl hidden within. I doubt there are any people who have gotten into technology aspects who thought their ideas would be so useful to so many, they could become targets of their own workings.
I believe the list could go on and on, from there. I know there are people who have an as the wording is but not to lessen, a common job which many people do and yet are extremely sensitive to their surroundings. I believe it does not matter who you are, where you are from, or anything of the like; each person has their own moments of insecurities, each person has their own fears, and each person has their own strengths. While some might consider others with such types of personality traits as stand-offish or even rude in some ways, the reality is each person has their own internal thoughts and experiences which have shaped them into who they are today and who they will be in the future.
I know I have done some #modeling and I have stated before verbally speaking as well in written words, I completed the pictures so I knew what I looked like as to be able to get used to what I look like; since waking from my head injury on #PsalmSunday in 2000. I did not get into modeling for #fame nor for #fortune; though it would have been great for the latter, of the two. I did not #perform at the three events to show off nor to put myself out there for others to comment or #judge, I did those #performances for myself because I personally enjoyed doing so. In some ways I can say in a much smaller way certain performances were the biggest double bird middle finger to those who had problems with my support for #TheUnitedStatesofAmerica, her #ArmedForces, and the law enforcement of varying divisions and branches throughout back then and even to this moment.
Did I ever get paid for anything I have done in that way, whether modeling or performing? No, I did not ever receive a paycheck or cash. Did anyone pay me to get my tattoos or convince me of which #tattoo for which location, in my body? Not one person could truthfully say they had anything in specific to do with any of that with the exception, of the tattoo artists I went to. Any person who may have been allowed to be in the room when I got a tattoo done is exactly that, you were allowed to be in the room when I got my tattoo done through my choice of what I knew I wanted of what I needed for myself for my tattoos. No one was allowed to integrate themselves into my tattoos as none have for the memories associated with certain tattoos such as who was there or who completed the work were just those portions, while not denying the tattoo artists as I chose each one for the reasons I chose. My #prayers and #mediations which are not known to others are proof of that but more importantly, since no one on earth who has a name was mentioned in my prayers and meditations; that is a solidifying factor of which even if in the room, you were not a part of the actual #tattoo itself. The only person who technically-ish would be a part of but not in the ways of which are abnormal, are the #tattooartists themselves. The tattoos are of their work, but they themselves are not of the tattoo. It is an odd dichotomy of which I guesstimate those who have tattoos as well as those who do tattoos for a living, very much comprehend. There is an appreciation for the work, but there is not an absolute in reference to the tattoo beyond the individual’s flesh of which the tattoo is; more importantly the representation for each one completed and the purposes thereof.
However there are no tattoos I have which were having to do with any person in particular though had to do with certain events of the time, which I only needed to remember the lessons of. There are only two people who would ever be able to claim and rightfully so of their aspects into the tattoos and those would be my children, who I gave birth to. My son and my daughter are the only people who did not know I was getting the tattoos in reference of them, though there as with each and every other tattoo I had completed; were also for spiritual purposes; though even theirs have their own religious spiritual specification of which the tattoo is for in way of which is not explained through words. I did not have a single tattoo pierced into my flesh where I was not praying each millisecond of each second of each minute and for some, each hour. Any person who would attempt to claim I had gotten a tattoo for their remembrance or because they told me to get a tattoo, would be completely inaccurate and arrogant to state as such.
In my first two books I wrote of some of the purposes involving each of my tattoos, but not a single one of my tattoos had been done in a specific reference only to that which I wrote; which I also had written about online on #fetlife as well as on #facebook. Even and including my first tattoo which had been partially to remember not to allow myself to be in any marriage which I have succeeded in such though maybe I should have written the aspects of which it was also not to end up in any relationship remotely close to that; however, I needed to see the tattoos to remember. My tattoos were to assist my memory as I had stated repeatedly before, despite certain ‘people’ thinking they knew me better when they knew nothing of who I actually am. Some of those, will never get to know all of me despite my writings.
However, that is another aspect all together in itself and semi-refers to the opening paragraph. I admit starting my tattoos on my legs instead of on my arms would have been a smarter idea, but I did not get my tattoos for any purpose of anyone other than myself to help myself in regard to my memory issues from my head injury effects from Psalm Sunday in 2000. I already had my hair the way it is (minus the waxing above my ears) and I had received derogatory comments in person by many at that time, thus it made sense for me to keep my tattoos out from public view when walking around and taking care of errands. Though in reference to my #MedalofHonorArtProjectBySusanMeeLing, that had been to be respectful of each area I had gone to as I knew while some were okay with such; there still has been the stereotype of people with tattoos and hair such as mine, in a visible manner. Despite #Washington state being absolutely too cold for me and needing to warm myself up through layers upon layers upon layers of clothing and jackets as well as the painful aspects compounded on top of the #electrical #technology issues I have/had; keeping the tattoos covered when out was the intention as each tattoo is for me, but then not realizing the aspects of the purposes of which needed to be seen. I guesstimate shows those cognitive disorder problems, in reference to the leg locations of my tattoos. Despite the amount of modeling #pictures I have done again, those images were to assist me and not to assist others for each tattoo of mine.
Just as someone else’s tattoos are their tattoos for whatever reason they chose to get their tattoos, so too are mine. Each person gets a tattoo if they choose for their own reasons and if someone else chose to get a tattoo because they were drunk, that was their choice. If someone else got a tattoo because they were on spring break, that is their choice. If someone else chose to get what is known as the tramp stamp, well that was their choice. My tattoos were never for any of those reasons which yes I admit to having called them excuses especially if alcohol and/or drugs were involved when making the choice to do so and not in reference to those who had tattoos done against their will. Yes, I have known some who have had that actually happen to them which is wrong and should be considered illegal. I believe those guilty of such should be punished according to the law as well as pay for the removal of the tattoo if the choice to do so, as well as the pain and suffering for what it would take to remove the tattoo; as laser is I guesstimate for a tattoo quite painful. Though some have said I come across as snobby for stating as such, that has seemed to be a personal insecurity of those particular individuals rather than anything actually having anything to do with me. Then again I have been called snobby for only being willing to wear specific types of corsets, as I know myself and I did not want to break any more of the ones than I already had broken the metal in; just walking, standing, or sitting by the way and not dancing in them.
Is my haircut different than some in many ways, comparatively? Yes, it is especially now after getting the sides of my head above my ears waxed beginning in 2015 and continuing through to today. Is my hair-color different than some who dye their hair, a shade of red? Yes because each person’s hair is different than mine because of the ethnic background which is the genetic makeup and including the aspects of what I have experienced which would change the molecular compound of the hair-dye used, there is only a way to have a color like my hair but not the exact same when I have dyed it each time. I can even guesstimate if someone were to attempt to get some of the hair-color mixture to then put into their hair on the exact same day as mine that I had mixed, it would not be the exact same shade of red I had mixed and in my hair. Not in a snobby way, just in the logical makeup of who each person is way as unless you are my biological sister that would only be a small portion of a teeny capability as even though we are genetically related; what I have eaten and where I have been also affects the color of my hair in comparison She has the extremely straight un-curl-able stereotypical Asian hair, whereas my hair has the strength but is malleable in comparison. The amount of product needed for styling my hair when it was long, is nothing compared to the cans and cans of hairspray needed for her hair to stay in place.
There is a reason why there have been times I could dye my hair after one haircut and then just wash my hair and the rest of my hair goes to that same shade of color, without having to dye it; and I know for a fact there are not many if any other people, who have that ability to do the exact same without fading the rest of the hair-color. There are also instances of which I could not wash my hair and yet the hair color fades without any water and soap, rinsing the color from my hair; which is another point of proof for that. If someone were to have as I wrote the example in the paragraph above and their hair remained the same color but mine faded without the normal washing, that is because of the genetic differences of the hair follicles; plain and simple.
Are my tattoos different than some, who have tattoos? Yes in some ways, and no in others. I do have a few pieces which are considered as flash, which are pieces of which are on a wall. There are only so many ways to complete a rose with flames and blood droplets to be small enough to fit on an ankle, in grayscale shading with the exception of the blood droplets. Just as there are only so many ways to complete an outline of a Faery or a Dragon of which the image is known to be what it is but the space to color such as the way I wanted, of which then the genetic makeup of my skin would have to do with the aspects of the way the exact same colors would come out extremely differently from my skin compared to another person. Tattoo artists I guesstimate would be able to go into much further details about that reality as well as whether there is scar tissue from a previous surgery, or not. I would guesstimate dermatologists as well could scientifically explain many points of, in which that particular truth is among the prior written. Also taking into consideration I have dry skin, sensitive skin, and eczema; that changes the way a tattoo is in my flesh comparatively to anyone else who has one or two or none of those aspects of their own particular makeup.
While my haircut, my hair-color, and my tattoos with and without the additional combination of my enjoyment of wearing #corsets of which yes, I can do backbends and #gymnastics in a spiral steel boned 6 to 8 millimeter of a minimum of 8 spiral steel bones and additionally four flat steel bones corset. Yes, I can contort my body into different directions without damaging my bones or my organs because of the reality of how I know and have trained myself to do; which took many years of practice and which did not have any beginnings in the ways anyone would ever think, and was only partially explained before as anyone who would have taken what I gave in minimal to use could find themselves with broken ribcages and/or torn muscles from the attempts while not forgetting what could be done to other muscular and bone structures within their body. There is a reason I have always had decent posture both in and out of a corset, and that had nothing to do with my corsetry. I have not and I do not recommend as I had stated before, attempting to do what I can without having the years of working that I have done for if attempted.
I guesstimate there are plenty of people who I met when I was #SCUBA Diving on a regular basis who would be able to attest to the fact I was and am not like any others they probably met before whether in #SCUBADiving, and/or the combination of haircut and hair color along with or without the tattoos visible for others to see. I guesstimate there are people in the #BDSM/#LGBTQP/#Swinger #Lifestyle communities who probably could say the exact same thing, in reference to what they might have expected comparatively to what they were met with face to face. I would guesstimate there would be plenty of people who read the first two books I authored and saw who I am while reading the adult series and seeing some likeness, though not exactly who in reference to the main character; though I guesstimate there are some who had wished as such, and thought otherwise. I would guesstimate there would be people who thought in my second book of the first series (FSL) the stories written were only about them and in certain regards some yes, but the ability to see multiple situations would be evident and thus a more broad spectrum. However I also guesstimate if anyone thought in reference to the second book of #FSL that meant they were being outed by me despite not putting names in and I guesstimate they only outed themselves in the writings, since that book was the one purchased and not the one which would have given more pertinent information. I would guesstimate though some were named, the names are common names and thus with the exception of very few stories written in that book; though now realizing the aspects of which ‘#CactusJack’ AKA Jeffrey Kuykendall Jr as well as my ex-in-laws and my biological family would state anything other than facts.
In turn I must admit I find it to be a bit ironic to have spoken with a wonderful old friend of mine today in regards to this particular journal blog entry and the references of ‘Cactus Jack’ and the #151tittybabyroadwarriors because of anyone who knew me before my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury in person as well as afterwards on the phone, he of all would be able to point out my lack of #movie/#television/#pop #culture/etcetera knowledge. I state it is ironic because of the fact when he and I went on our first and only date, we went to the #movietheater and he was surprised as to my lack of knowledge about the #popculture references he had mentioned. Despite at the time he and I saw each other as brother and sister which made that date very awkward at that time in high school, he would be able to explain the varying levels and degrees the best of both pre and post Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury. Kenny would be able to explain while I was and remained modest and demure, I also was extremely ferocious when necessary; while also giving more examples of which certain aspects for those who would see and/or believe in prophetic measures of the varying levels of, far more than anyone else most likely with first hand experiences.
It would be even more-so weird but oddly funny if he remembered I thought I saw his old car in #SanAntonio from when we were in high school the green #SuperNova, ironically not long after he had sold it to someone. I suppose I could also add it would be odd if because of the fact we had discussed he saw my pictures from when I was SCUBA Diving, if he had seen my modeling pictures as well; and though he said he is raising his child with his wife, it would be odd if he had to say that and they are actually divorced. I write such because of the fact I had never forgotten Kenny despite my injury and if I am accurate he grew up in an extremely religious household and had the sweetest little baby Malamute/Wolf mix you could ever lay your eyes upon, which he and his family were quite surprised I played with the puppy as I had back then. I write such because if Kenny found certain aspects of his religious background being seen in real life as it occurred in each moment in that time, I would guesstimate certain aspects of our first and only date would also remain in his thoughts.
Thus if he saw the aspects of ‘Cactus Jack’ and the 151 road warrior garbage from the #Fiesta #Texas event in San Antonio including the #Alamo #Drafthouse; I cannot imagine how quickly the hair on the back of his neck would stand up, and he would instantly. This is written solemnly because of certain points of our talk on the phone which if he was asked about certain aspects while being online and seeing other aspects and was asked about his knowledge of me and if what I said was always true, he would be the first one to be able to verify how bad of a liar I could attempt to be as well as the biological family aspects of; while also stating the realities of the #cheerleading and the Robin Hood play and the high school drama that went along with those times. I write it would be oddly weird because it would be funny if somehow he stopped viewing me as his little sister over time, and saw me for more than that and with what his job has been in the #USNavy if he needed a different view of life because of what he had seen over the years since the attacks on 11 #September in 2001. If I am accurate he was just finishing up Basic Training at Great Lakes, when that occurred and saw why I knew and fought to join The #USArmy after attempting to go to the Naval Academy #MAST. Especially if the #USAirForce contacted him after I spoke with the Tech Sergeant and talked about what he needed to do, and The United States of America’s government caught on and needed to know how I knew what I knew at those times.
Thus when returning to the state of Texas and realizing the legalities for criminal charges against ‘Cactus Jack’ for the 151 road warriors among a few other legalities for law enforcement and also not realizing the aspects of targeting/stalking/hacking which in reference to the Stoney LaRue concert and Kevin with his group of ‘people’; I would guesstimate all of those who I sent my first two books to were able to see much quicker than I ever could both sides of the proverbial coin, in reference to that night. Whereas obviously I was unaware and vulnerable when by myself when being surrounded and dealing with that situation when needed, I quickly was ferocious in the defense of the San Antonio Police Officers who had originally been sent there to ironically save Kevin after he talked smack about my corsets. I cannot be the only female who would have been infuriated from a male saying what he had, about clothing as well as weight. However I may be the only female who ripped off my corset while preparing to use that corset if I had to, to defend myself. Those who know what type of corsets I wore, knows exactly how heavy they are. Those who do … jobs could probably as I guesstimate see, how much danger Kevin actually had been in if he made any sudden moves to get closer to me. Those who were in the cafeteria back at Crystal Lake South High School and/or on the bus from Saint John Vianney High School I guesstimate, would be able to state how much danger that ‘person’ put himself into that evening.
However when he started calling them names and as soon as I stepped forward to defend the police officers, I think maybe hypothetically those who knew me in person would know what danger Kevin had put himself in further. Thus while I am quite meet and reserved and fairly modest, I can be extremely vicious not just in words but in actions; if I feel the need to defend someone and/or some people I care about of which I could only imagine if Kenny found out him laughing-ish. I could see him laughing knowing I would handle the situation while at the same time, kind of probably being a bit mad of prophetic aspects in truth. The irony of which only then could those modeling pictures be ideal in referencing my ferocity in regards of what I would do if the need arose, while for the majority of times I am the quiet one. Though there is no doubt I can be loud if I have to, the aspects of which the silence which can be when necessary has startled a few. The overall point is though I may have completed various modeling pictures and performances, I am not just those aspects. Though my hair is what it is, I am not just mine. Though my tattoos are what they are, I am not just my tattoos.
In turn just because you may have watched a movie or television show, does not mean the actor or actress is that way in real life. Just because a lawyer or politician is vicious in the courtroom does not mean outside of the courtroom, they are similar to a squishy teddy bear. Just because a news journalist is willing to go the distance for their story does not mean, they are as headstrong in other ways necessarily. Just because a model has done certain pictures of whatever type, does not mean she is what the image portrays. In turn just because a politician or a business person is how they have to be when it comes to such, does not mean they are as such at all times. Just because someone is in The United States of America’s Armed Forces of whatever branch or of whatever division throughout whatever field including law enforcement, fire department, and EMS first responders; does not mean their jobs do not affect them in ways their heart can hurt, despite the view of the harshness needed for their jobs at the times of. Also just because an author writes of certain aspects in reference to fiction, does not mean the entirety of any character is based upon the author.
In closing while I would guesstimate joke I made in reference to if The United States of America’s government wanted someone to be married when in service to the country, they would find the ideal to assign to that particular individual knowing without a shadow of a doubt the work which would be accomplished and in which ways. If such joke I had made were to be true in reference to the talk I had with a former #Marine, the irony in certain regards of Kenny going to retire soon and he would be the person who the aspects of my SCUBA Dive at The USS/USNS #Vandenberg I would be able to explain better to but he would know the aspects of the different math portions to better translate to those in those particular fields of expertise; while if something happened to him or he saw certain things which he could not necessarily explain while in the ocean, I would be the one who would be able to clarify certain aspects as well as if he had experienced certain situations. I would guesstimate each varying aspect of would know how my loyalty is as well as the fact of each person I knew and had dated he was the only one who did not cross over the line, but also I would not see the same things he saw when looking at himself in certain situations.
I reiterate my stance in reference to those of you who do not understand certain aspects of The United States of America’s Armed Forces varying branches and divisions of which each one of the females and males who don the uniform for whichever area of, they similarly to my tattoos; are not just their uniform. They too are human beings just as you (reader) and I are, and just as you have feelings; so too, do they. Despite what certain aspects of various forms of media portray, the stereotypes of which a few fit into; are not the masses of the overall, and those who are innocent of such should not be put into those boxes when they do not fit them.
Also, please do not send me pictures of your genitals. I am not interested in those sorts of pictures as if you think because I have written certain books that is what I am looking for, you are missing the point of this journal blog post as well. While some individuals may like those sorts of pictures, I am not one of those who find that to be something I want to see a picture of. Breasts are great to look at pictures of and in person of course, but I do not want to see your vagina nor do I want to see your penis in a picture especially if you do not understand how that connection gets made; nor are willing to take the actual time to get that connection, for such. Believe it or not, I am just not that type of female despite having been in the various lifestyles I have been involved with for years.
If the aspects of prophecy have been proven then the joke Christine of the Jade Wolfe Coven made should be paid attention to “Jesus Christ I do not fear you, but your followers are another story” or something like that.
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