Combining Original Accounts for Clarification: #54 of 88

In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.

I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.

Posted on 18 December 2021

18 December 2012

From _rhonda; I was lucky enough to find this list of exercises to do.

I decided that I am going to go through the list and work on myself each day; it obviously will not stop after Day Ten, though. I try to better myself as each day goes on. Sometimes I am successful and I choose the "correct" path for ***me...***and sometimes I am a failure...

Either way, whatever choices I make; I proudly own up to everything that I say and do. If I know that I am right about something, or if I feel strong enough about a particular topic/situation/etc; anyone who knows me, knows that I will open my big fat mouth and say whatever I think needs to be said...whether or not anyone or all agrees with my opinions. As they are exactly that; my opinions and no one else's, and no one has to accept my thoughts as their own, unless they are so moved to do so.

Personally, I was moved to go through and expand this list, and as I read it; it struck a cord with me. Recently, I have purged myself of the negative aspects of my life, that I could; and as much as possible. I have purposely removed situations/people/objects/etc that were expendable, unworthy of me/my time/my energy/my money/my being/and so on...and I not only rid myself of the bull shit garbage...but I walked away from the messes, leaving them all wherever they landed...and I am not turning back, for I want, I desire, and I need my happiness within myself...and that negativity was holding me back...so it is now and forever released it...

May all the negativity and strife within me and outside of me, forever be gone; never to return. May all of the negativity, garbage, and all things not for my or my children's highest good flow out of us and away from us, to be released to the universe. May the universe then take everything negative, burn it to the ground so that the ashes may transform it all and wash it clean to be a pure bright light of a positive nature, full of grounded light and love.

...

So...Day Two...Day Two: Nine things about yourself...

And without further adue...and in no particular order...

1. I absolutely LOVE big dogs.

My first pet dog was a half Collie and half Husky breed; who was the most awesome dog in the world. My parents told me that the reason we ended up with him was because of 2 reasons. The first reason was because the owner of the dog was going to put him down, as he kept running away from her yard; and it never failed...he always ended up playing in the swamps nearby, that the military was using for training purposes. He would end up popping out of the swamp to go meet all of the soldiers and play, but half the time; he scared the hell out of all of the recruits; as he was covered in goop and globs of debris from the swampy area, he looked like a monster, from their description. He was always returned to the female, as he had his collar on with a tag, saying whom he belonged to and where to return him.

After a while; the female was used to hearing, "Ma'am, your dog has gone AWOL and we have him here. We cleaned him up for you, and whenever you can; please come and pick him up."

My parents were iffy about taking him, until, as my parents and the female ~ who was once a Foster Parent to my father, in his later years of the system of orphanages ~ I had a slice of pizza, that I was given to eat and entertain myself. According to my parents, when I was done eating the majority of the pizza, I gave the dog the crust to eat. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to say, "I want my crust back!" and before anyone could move; I physically opened the dog's mouth to remove the crust.

Everyone sat back down in amazement, for the dog just looked at me, and cocked his head to the side. I held onto the crust, decided that "It is too gooey", and I returned the dog his crust.

This is where the second reason comes into play, as to why my parents took the dog...he was so gentle...

My Dad named him AWOL, but we called him "A", for short. He lived until my 13th birthday, and then we had to lay him to rest in the ground, as one day; A did not wake up, while I was at a camp.

The way it was broken to me was cold, cruel...and yet...true...

As my sister and I were sitting at Burger King eating, after I had been picked up from camp, and all that had happened there; my Dad starts off with:

"So...you know how you two fight over who is responsible for giving A his water and who is responsible for giving A his food each night? ...well...you are not going to have to worry about that anymore.,."

...sigh...

Funny, yes...NOW...but my Dad's joking way to aid the situation of the lost pet of over a decade...not so much humor found then...

Just sayin'...

That dog, was my very best friend back in the day...and I still miss my boy...

The other pet dogs that I had, came after my head injury. Granted..."technically" the dogs were in my name at the vet...however...I NEVER chose those damn Miniature Schnauzers...those were my ex-husband's dogs, through and through...

I have been claimed by only 2 other dogs...both big...until the one that I have now...

Dionysus was my first baby. He was a Black Lab/Chow Chow/Akida mix...and he was GORGEOUS...and the sweetest dog in the world...well...to me...not so much to my ex-husband...(should have paid attention to that brick upside the head there...should have known to take a hint from Dionysus when he did not respond to Robert whatsoever. When I first introduced Dionysus to the household, he met Nick and Princess, Robert's dogs. (Nick - short for Niccolo Machiavelli and Princess - in honor of the book "The Prince" that N.M. wrote...which apparently was the bible for Stalin and Hitler; unbeknownst to me at the time...), Dionysus sniffed them both, and both dogs sniffed him. Once each dog had a whiff of Dionysus...they RAN back to Robert and started to jump on his leg for attention. My boy then moseyed over to my ex-husband, sniffed him, shook his body, and walked back to me for attention.

I knew in my mind then, that something was up...but I did not know or for-see the results that happened.

My ex-husband and I became ex-husband and ex-wife for many reasons, as most marriages end up when divorcing. There is never just ONE reason...there are always multiple reasons...but it is for each couple/individual to cope with whatever the result of the end of the marriage is...obviously...though it was only a final separation as the divorce had not been able to be processed...

One of the reasons, which was the most prevalent reason, was due to his abuse towards me.

...mental...physical...emotional...spiritual...sexual...everything one could imagine and more. I always tell people how Robert had passed away on the same day as the male who played the Joker in the Dark Knight, of 3 of the same medications, as the Army had perscribed him over 27 - though they only admit to 17 in public...nonetheless...the medication overdose could have been prevented on Robert, as well as all of the other soldiers who have overdosed on medications, across the military. However, I digress...

I went to see that movie, specifically because of that connection, and when I walked out of the theater and spoke with my friends who took me...my response to the Joker's character and the hype made about him was very simple.

I said, and have continued to say: "That Joker character in the Dark Knight looked like a newborn kitten with his evilness; compared to what my ex-husband put me through..."

Sad...but true...and I hate it...but I own it...

Dionysus, picked up on the tension between Robert and I, when he was in the house. Anytime Robert came anywhere near me, Dionysus would immediately stand up and watch his every move.

When I noticed that, I kept that to myself and never told Robert that I noticed that...but he picked up on that on his own, on several occasions.

If Robert and I ever went into a match, for whatever reason; Dionysus' hair would stand straight up, as soon as the argument began, and he would stand next to my chair, if I was sitting. If I was standing, he was within a 5 foot distance from where I was...watching...and...almost waiting, to a degree...

The second Robert raised his voice, Dionysus would stand right in front of him, bearing his teeth, still with his fur standing up, It became to the point, where Robert ordered that the dogs were put inside; and as soon as they were, the first time that happened with Dionysus; I was warned that if he bites the kids; he will be gotten rid of. I told him that I agreed, but I did not think that would be an issue, as Dionysus loved my children and would play with them; allowing them to stick their fingers so far up his nose - that they probably scratched his brain; he would allow them to lay and sit on top of him while laying down; he would run to the scene if there was even a sniffle, before a cry to kiss the kids' tears away...I had no fear for Dionysus attacking my children.

However, what did happen is Dionysus attacked Robert one day. I was in the shower and I had called for Dionysus to join me, so I could bathe him. Whatever transpired in the bedroom...I will never know...though I speculate...

At some point, Robert ran to me, in the shower, with blood dripping down his arms, and scratch marks that were extremely apparent on his half Dominican and half Cherokee skin. He started yelling about how it was done by Dionysus because of something about the kennel...and the only thing I remember after that was hearing my ex-husband say: "He is going to be put down. If he did this to me, he can do worse to the kids."

Instantly, in the shower, I welled up with tears, for my baby. I did not (and still do not) understand what all that transpired...however...all I know is, I left the house to cool off and clear my mind a bit. I saw some friends who helped me to calm down about the situation before I returned to the house. I pulled the van into the driveway (yes, I have owned mini-vans before...I AM a mom, for crying out loud...and I am not a fan of SUVs...), and as I stepped out, I closed the door behind me, noticing my parent's vehicle in the coldesac. As I walked to the front door, as we never used the garage for anything but storage, I heard a loud bang before a yelp, and then I heard another bang, before silence.

I stood in the front porch for a bit with my head down. I did not know exactly what that was...but I had a feeling...and my feeling was NOT a good one...

When I was finally able to open the storm door, to work on unlocking the front door - as the key was finicky; my mom came and opened the door for me. The look on her face said it all and I was over-ridden with sadness and guilt, for I knew that I had just heard my baby puppy's death...and I felt him by my side, even though he was not physically there...and I stopped in my tracks on my way inside when I felt him...and I stood in silence for I do not know how long, with my head as low as it could go.

As I stood in the dining room, a little bit later, Robert walked through the area with a large black construction trash bag...and I knew... The ass hole even purposely pushed me with the bag as he walked by, when he could have gone a different way, that was easier, and had less obstructions. When he arrived at the front door, he turned to look at me, smiled a look that still gives me the shivers, before opening the door to leave, saying: "Lock the door after me, please."

My mom walked into the kitchen, and I just stood where I was before, except pushed over a bit. I felt my baby for a little bit...and then...he was gone...

...I sighed and let out a whimper for him, before I made my way to where my parents were; outside, on the back patio. I looked at my garden, and even the colors of the flowers that I had planted, looked a different shade of their original colors...they were not nearly as bright...or standing tall...many were hunched over... I looked around the backyard, and saw all of my greenery, a sickening shade of green, to the point of almost pea soup color. I stood at the door, and I scanned the whole back area to look and see...maybe I was wrong...maybe my baby was still home...but no...

I saw this area, where a whole 8 foot section of fence was placed against the fence line...I knew...that was where it happened... I stood, looking...hoping he would come through...but to no avail...and that was when my father told me to sit down so he could explain what happened while I was gone.

Robert went around the yard, beating my dog, for the supposed "attack" before he became tired of my dog continuing to fight back. Robert then, went upstairs to the gun safe for the pistols, and came back downstairs. My Dad told me that he followed Robert out to try to talk with him, but by then, Dionysus apparently saw Robert; and flew to hide.

He did hide within the two fence sections,,,and as he laid there, hiding from this monster...Robert used his 22 to shoot my dog in the back of the head, executioner's style. However, due to the fact that it was a small caliber, and the fact that Robert missed the exact point of where to kill...Robert had to fire a second shot, which finally ended my poor baby's suffering...I hope...

When Robert returned, no one could look at him, and the dumbass did not understand why. So, when my parents left, there was a full fledged interrogation about what happened while he was gone. The beating commenced...and...later...well..."wifely duties" came into play...

I finally left Robert, only to stupidly return 7-9 months later, as he "promised that he changed and was accepting of me and all of who I was..."

Yeah...the time together lasted less than 6 months, as he started to make life altering decisions for the family, without consulting me...and I caught him in a web of lies...unfortunately...the first of many that I found out or figured out about...sigh...

...to this day, every so often, I end up finding out something new that he had hid from me...from relationships with other females...to lying about the most ungodly thing to lie about...to so on and so forth... Initially, I found out new lies almost every day to every other day. Slowly, it dwindled down to every week to every other week...and now...only about once or twice a month, something new comes forward...

It sucks...to say the least...

Anyway, back to dogs...

My last puppy was MY BABY...he was all over me like white on rice...he loved the kids, and he was a friendly as could be...so long as he liked you...

By the time I was given Ganesh, I was separated from Robert. He had his own apartment and was living his life away from mine, for the most part. We do have 2 children together...so...there had to be some interaction...even if it was me forcing him to take responsibility and actually BE a father and not a sperm donor...though those attempts failed miserably or ended up in HEATED arguments...which OF COURSE, Ganesh was put away upstairs for...

My boy grew up quick from a 6 month old, 38 pound puppy to being a full grown 200 pounds of pure muscle as an adult.

He was the most docile creature I have EVER been around, and funny as all get out. I never had his ears clipped, as I saw no need to, so his ears were HUGE and floppy...and covered his eyes and most of his face, whenever he laid down or started to run...THOSE were funny times, as he never did learn to not shake his head while running full speed; as he would always step on one of his huge ears, and then tumble to the ground.

Butterflies and Sparrows were the bain of his existence... LOL! Ganesh was MAYBE 7 months old when a butterfly came into the yard and he followed it around to watch what the butterfly was doing. At some point, the butterfly landed on Ganesh's nose and stood there for a moment, before Ganesh yelped like a little bitch, and ran as fast as he could, shaking his head...and falling...and then getting back up to run away, still shaking his head...repeating the stepping on the ear and falling...to repeat 5-7 times, before he finally made it to me to "save him"... LOL! He hid under my chair, with his head between my legs whimpering for who knows how long... Ha! My titty baby...

Sparrows were just flat out mean to my boy, as whenever they would come to his food dish (as I had an automatic feeder and water dish outside for him; the Sparrows, most of the time would just sit there and look at my dog. Ganesh would slowly try to move closer, but as soon as the Sparrow squeeked, he jumped backwards, in a defensive stance; but with his head low. SO CUTE!!! And SO FUNNY to watch!!! I would stand behind the door that lead out to the patio, and I would watch for sometimes half an hour of these shenanigans going on, LAUGHING hysterically. When Ganesh would notice me, finally, he would run to the door as if he was saying, "Mommy, get them! Save me!!!"

So, I would step outside, the Sparrows would look at me and watch me as I would slowly walk over to his food dish. They would squeek a sound before they would fly away, usually to the fence to watch and see when I would go back inside. I swear, they purposely messed with Ganesh, once they figured out how much of a pansy he was. LOL!

The absolute SWEETEST dog...but the most stupid dog at the same time...but still...the SWEETEST boy anyone could meet. Gentle as ever with the kids, and anyone he met. He never jumped unless I tapped my chest and said "Hug", he never took food from people's hands ~ as I taught him that so there would never be a chance of an accidental nip, he was one to back his ass up ~ as if he was a semi ~ and put his ass in my lap...his front paws would be on the floor and his hind legs would be on me... LOL!!! Oh how I miss him...

Now, we have the family dog, Harley Quinn. We saved her from where she was living, at a dungeon's facility and yard, and we took her home to give her a place of love. She is so much like me, as whenever a noise is made outside, she barks until the people moving or the ones walking by or anything that annoys her, stops whatever it is doing, and there is no more sound. The second there is more sound, she is barking, as if she is telling them to "Shut the hell up, as it is ruining her beauty sleep..." LOL As much as I enjoy silence...it always amuses me when she gets pissy about noise.

My son and Harley have gotten along like nothing I have ever seen. She will pace back and forth through the home, laying down here and there, until my son comes home. Once he is home, she is by his side, almost at all times. It is always fun to wake my son up for school as I wake up before he does, to have a cup of coffee before starting the day...or maybe sometime 5 cups...depends on the morning...

Anyway, as soon as I say, "It's time to wake up *****"; she is up and bouncing around, with her tail wagging as fast as possible. She will run to the stairs and bounce around as she waits for me to get there, before she curries up the stairs...and watching her 70 pound, fat ass run up the stairs, is always amusing. When we get to his room, she always waits until I give my son a kiss and run my hands over his head a couple of times, before she will jump onto the bed and start licking his face until she is pushed away by him, for he finally will admit that he is awake. If he does not sit up quick enough for her, she will bury her face, into his neck and kiss him relentlessly, before she winds up getting underneath the covers to lay next to him, with her belly showing...and she will keep scooting closer and closer to him until he rubs her belly; once again, finally acknowledging that he is awake.

Harley Quinn makes getting my son ready for school, all that much more pleasure-able than just being able to wake him up with hugs, kisses, and nibbles on his nose. That half Australian Shepherd and half Blue Heeler mix dog is one of the best additions that I have ever made to our home. :)

To watch a seed or a bulb transform from this little pod to a full blown plant...is always such a treat for me...

My Dad used to make me help him with the gardening chores, such as breaking up bulbs when they were too crowded in a bed, to mixing additives to make the plants get the nutrition they need, to making to to remember to wear gloves for there are things in the dirt that bite you if you disturb them, to Latin names of plans so I know the difference between different breeds of the same common name, to so on and so forth...

I despised doing it then, as it took away play time with friends...but now...I enjoy working with the earth to create life for plants that I find to be beautiful.

The feeling I have when I am underneath the water...it does not matter whether I am at 10 feet or 100 feet...the feeling is the same...

...pure enjoyment and bliss...

My favorite creature of the ocean...I will never be able to be with, as it lives in the Marianas Trench...if I had the ability to SCUBA dive...not be in a damn vessel...screw the fact of pressure smushing my body into a piece of dust...I would SO go diving there if I could...and it was possible...and I would not die...

Just sayin'...

However, the creature that I would adore being in it's presence, underwater; would be the Whale Shark...such a cutie patootie!!! And they are so gentle...and like how I like my dogs...the Whale Shark is one of the largest whales in the ocean...and they are sooo cute!!!

I want one as a pet...and while I am making pet requests...I SOOOO WANT a pet Platypus...they are just so adorable and pure awesomeness! Never mind the poisonous aspect...they are just so damn cute!!! ...and a Hippo as well...don't know where he would fit...but...if I am making requests...I figured, I would add that one into the mix... ;)

...and I DESPISE automatic transmissions...

So, almost ever classification of a car that I owned...was and is a manual transmission...as it is the ONLY way to go...

I like Country music.

Yes, I know that I was born and raised in New Jersey...

Yes, I know that my hair is the color that I dyed it...

Yes, I know that I have tattoos all over the place...

...however...I still like Country music...not all...but a lot more than most would or could ever guess...

George Straight, Jason Aldean, Deirks Bentley, Garth Brooks (not the Chris bull shit character that he came up with as an alter ego...that was RE-***-ED!!!, Carrie Underwood, Alan Jackson, Toby Keith, Blake Sheldon...the list goes on...and yes, the majority of my iPhone's music section has Country in it...Dance and Country are a close match...but Country still beats the second largest section of music that I have...

The patio is exactly, where most likely, one will find me.

From pot roast to Hungarian cookies to pasta to etc...

And of course, my absolute favorite is Meerschaum...

Day Two: 9 Things About Me... - LadyDoriBelle | FetLife

www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1322926

Such aspects as to the transparency as to taking the step for such clarifications is important as to such realities, as the ways which such has been brought forward in the multitude of ways as to the realities as to the reasons why of such clarifications because of the need to be capable to genuinely prove such factors in several instances of which I take safety and security a bit of importance as to the realities of what I have seen and noticed as to various factors thereof.

As far as the number 8, I suppose I can make a different sarcastic comment about a few situations in reference to certain situations of which the occurrences thereof in different ways as to the picture from the 51 of 88 as the reality of such situations has been important for the actualities of the truth in reference to my works in the multitudes of ways thereof which while some wish otherwise the factors of the truth needing to be told as to the realities thereof has been of importance for over a decade of which if each and every individual who had made the choices they had differently and actually had correctly acknowledged me in the proper ways then the situations which transpired would not have occurred as to the ways which they have of which in turn if such individuals would actually break their silence and actually speak the genuine real truth of such situations as to how much better the situations would actually be in comparison as to how such has been as to such factors thereof.

It has been 12.5 years...just for one situation while the rest of such aspects have been of the realities which have been required to come out for such a length of time...I have done so and had waited for lengths of time for someone to actually speak with me in truth to ask me in truth as to such factors however I guesstimate such individuals did not think about my Blue Identification Card of/for the Armed Forces of the United States of America nor did they think about the clearance aspects I suppose as to such realities of which how difficult would it have been to simply ask me the questions in truth back then in comparison to the length of times even in the current point in time of 29 November 2021?

What has truly taken others so long as to actually ask me as to such factors, well before I ever actually authored and compiled the aspects of my books over such lengths of time as was it truly that difficult?

The irony as to how many people I once knew in the SCUBA Diving community though instead of them simply asking me in truth and the one individual who had ran off from such a point in time in 2009, as to that amount of time as to their choices in such comparisons as to the situations thereof. It has always been something with the correct individuals as to speaking with in the comparisons thereof as to the ways of such situations, as while I have discussed multiple aspects there are plenty of situations of which it would have been far more intelligent to just ask me in genuine truth in comparison to what I have dealt with needlessly as to what seems as other people's egos in comparison to any other aspect in comparison.

Why would I have such a sensation of an unwanted individual as to such aspects, well I suppose it does not take a head injury to see what actual timeframe that began as to depending upon the individual(s) themselves.

After how many years, why would it take such difficulties from so many others in the comparisons as to simply asking the one and only who would the only one who could give all such answers?

Me, or am I and have I truly been as hideous as to what others have told me to my face in the situations thereof as to my physical viewpoints as I did not think I was as atrocious as to how such comments have been as to such points in time; though I did not ever think of myself as massively beautiful the ways of other females I have seen, I did not realize as to how truly horrific as to how such individuals must have thought of me as to such points in time which such could have simply been asked of me in truth.

I know I am not Melania Trump or Naomi Campbell or RuPaul, though I did not realize how much of a sore to the eyes in such references as to my physical aspects until the reviewal portions as to such points in time referencing beginning in the year of 2019 onward as I had not thought it was that bad in comparison as to how other people's lives have been in the comparison to my physical look.

By the way when as many people who do not assist in polling do not get considered as to such factors, in comparison to the ways of others' as to such aspects how horrific truly has my physical been as to such individuals in such aspects and comparisons thereof?

At minimum there are the reasons for each one of my tattoos of which as to such SCUBA Divers, I would not have had to get as many as I had afterwards if there was actually the genuine care and the actual help and assistances as to such times in comparisons as to what occurrences there were. Even the military as well as law enforcement has made addendums to tattoos, what are your problems as to such factors when reviewing such hypotheticals as to the same in reference to those California Hollywood types or am I incorrect as to such polling situations to such considerations as to how few had ever commented and/or remarked as to my modeling images?