In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 21 December 2012 and as an oddity as to the day specifically...there is just a pure irony...
26 December 2012
I am difficult...and I know this...and I whole heartedly accept that...
Due to the fact that I am difficult...and a pain in the ass who sometimes just cannot follow instructions...due to several issues...I will admit...I am going to be a little shit who does not adhere to the ideals in this exercise within The List, as I have to be the one who cannot choose JUST TWO pictures; as stated...
Nooooooooooooooo...I cannot narrow things down to 2 pictures...I have to be the ass hole who has to have more...because I am me...because I am difficult...because - apparently - I just cannot follow these rules...because I am a little shit ass pain in the butt...and so on...
However, at least I admit it; unlike other people...
Just sayin'...
...so...without further adue...and in no particular order...
This picture, describes how I have to feel some days; as I AM "The Lone Ranger" when it comes to raising my children. I have to be able to manage 2 different children, with 2 VERY separate needs. With the Writing that I have mentioned about me getting to; and not having the ability...this is part of what I was going to go into.
I do have a handsome, quick witted, gentlemanly (in the making), creative, loving son; whom is a Gifted and Talented rated student. I have to make sure, as a mom should, that he is always taken care of - whether with friends, family, school, and so on and so forth. I need to get him to school, Strings, and whatever else planned for him; on time, but preferably early...
I am a stickler for time...
I do have a wonderful, artistic, caring, sweet-natured, loving, beautiful daughter...who...unfortunately has Special Needs; and has to have help through short and long term stays at Mental Institutions... Due to everything that she has been through, she has not learned to cope (yet) about things with every day life, and the world, but I am and have been doing everything that I can think of and most of what is suggested to me (if it has not already been done); in order to aid my daughter through her processes.
With all of that...this was part of what my Writing was going to be about...
I have now accepted that, yes...I have TWO CHILDREN with 2 SEPARATE NEEDS that must be taken into consideration AT ALL TIMES. I have for the most part, always tried to put my children first. I am a human and I have and do make mistakes, for as much as I DESPISE that perfection in my eyes can never be reached for myself...sigh...I have to always do my hardest to try my best at everything. ...ESPECIALLY with my children...
Coming to this conclusion; on of all days; 21 December 2012...the supposed "End of The World Day"...in a way...it really was "the end of the world" for me...in a lot of ways... I am TRYING to get to that Writing...but things keep popping up...so...whenever it finally gets written (if ever)...it does...
Anyway, as I was saying; I came to the realization that I do not have 2 children that can be raised quote - un-quote "normally"...I have to raise my TWO CHILDREN in 2 SEPARATE manners...yet at the same time, not only treat them equally and as one...but at the same time; keep them updated on each other, for the amount of time that they have been apart and missing each others' lives...not only saddens me and breaks my heart...but it also shows me what I am missing...constantly...and I hurt...and I am in pain about it...
I digress...that is for the Writing...
So, with that, my children and I are not a family in my sense or ideals of a family...at all...anymore...and most likely...never will be again...
The Florida Trip showed me the wonders and the beauty of my children and my relationship together...with the two of them interacting with each other...with them individually and as a whole interacting with me... ...sigh... I miss that time ever-so much...I wish for it's return almost every single day... ...sigh...
So, as far as this picture is concerned; it shows an example of how I have to live my life, as best as I can. I have to "become" Wonder Woman, in order to save the world for my children and for myself.
2/1Happy Veterans Day to all who served. Thank You, all for your time and service. Also, to the families and friends of Veterans, thank you for Your support. For, without Your support the Veterans would not have been able to handle what they had to deal with...You were and are Their rocks...so...YOU ROCK!!! Thank you, All! – LadyDoriBelle
I believe, that in every generation...there will always be some form of "War" on something...whether it be the "War" on drugs...the "War" against the homeless being homeless...the "War" in general...
We, as the United States of America; have chosen to create a Bill of Rights to keep us and ours safe. In order to be able to create this Document...there were males, and soon females; who stood up proudly to say; "I am joining the United States ___(enter Branch of Service here)___"; for whatever reasons they had in mind.
Without ANY of these Fe/Males...we would NOT be The United States of America...we would belong to some other government that does things extremely differently...and without nearly as many rights as we have.
For all of those who say, "Peace over War..." and garbage of the sort...without "War" there would not be any "Peace"...think about it...
I cannot commend any person who joins the Service, in any Branch enough for their bravery to put their lives on the line for whatever reasons they chose to enter whatever Branch. Whether or not one joins strictly for Patriotism...for we all chose why we joined for whatever reasons...but there is literally; maybe only 5% of the USA population who has military experience...and that is pushing it...
In my heart of hearts; I cannot thank the people who have put their lives on the line and those who lost their lives to the degree that I feel in my heart for them and for their families. For without those soldiers' friends and family...there is not much they see fighting for...so for all of those who are friends and family of soldiers...reach out to them every once in a while...they need that reminder that someone DOES care about them and what they are doing...whether or not the person agrees with the soldiers' choices.
This one pretty much says it all...
I do not care about what people think of my hair cut or color...
I do not care about what others think about my multiple tattoos...
I am not concerned about whether or not every single person that I come across or who comes across me, agrees with all of my thoughts and opinions...we are ALL allowed to think freely... ...for the time being...
I am not concerned about how others view my life...I know it sucks...I know that I and my life are not ideal or perfect...I know that I have issues - and I deal with them as best as I can - and if you don't like it...
...refer to the picture above...
Arboretum – LadyDoriBelle
This picture speaks to me on so many levels...
So many times...so many days...I feel like my feet will not allow me to go and enjoy the beauty that is right in front of me... I feel as if I just cannot reach that field of glorious flowers where I can enjoy their colors, scents, growth patterns, leaves, petals, and so on and so forth...and they are RIGHT THERE...just a little bit in front of me...
I feel as if I am SO close...yet...SO far away...
I just cannot move myself or motivate myself to get into that field and to enjoy all that life has to offer...
I see others and how easily it is for them to be like the fey and just jump in and slide down one of the stalks, as they shrink into the ones who enjoy the plants for all that they are...and I am green with envy as I just have not been able to make myself go down that path...
...I just have tried and tried...and my roots just wont budge...my limbs are just too stiff, as they barely sway in the wind...I feel as if I cannot grasp that which I desire for something always comes along to trim the edges away that are just within reach of the new day's sun...
As nice as it is to be proclaimed as having "nice form"...within...the darkness of my soul...it just takes over and I can never believe a word of that from those who say as such...I have been "trained" to not accept compliments as forms of anything good...or anything at all...as they just have felt empty - for I feel empty... ...7.5 years of an abusive marriage can do that to someone... Though the compliments are welcomed and refreshing from all that I typically hear...it fills me with nothing but sadness...for I just DO not and CANNOT see it...
So, I stand wherever my feet are planted...and I look at the glory before me...and I long to be able to jump into the field of flowers as if I was the size of some faeries...and I wish so much to be able to let go and reach out and just be...
...but as time has gone on...I have come to the understanding...that...for me, at least...that happiness and frolicking within the gorgeous earth and life before me that I seek...just will have to be out of reach...for however long...
1I took my children to Florida for our first "Official Family Vacation", as their father considered visiting his family a "Family Vacation." I disagreed and I begged for the ability to have 1, but to no avail; until WAY after we separated and he died. ~ This is a Pelican that was on the dock and swimming around the area that I was standing at; as my children and I waited for the Captain of the ship, for the Dolphin Excursion I was about to take them on. The deal was, we were going to go out to the ocean from the Florida Keys on a boat to see Dolphins in their natural habitat. Yes, I could have had a session where one swims with the Dolphins, but I am a SCUBA diver, and I am against keeping animals caged for the sole purpose of petting them. Zoos, I can deal with, as the natural habitat is created for the animals, so it is not too much of a change from where they were prior. Though, I still am not a fan of Zoos, either. Back to Mr. Pelican... He followed me around, wherever I went, on the dock. First, he was swimming all over the area of water, from the tip of the dock; all the way out to the other side, where the water met the tree line. At some point while the kids and I were waiting, Mr. Pelican decided to make his way towards me, to check me out and look at me...I suppose... He let me get close to him, before he backed away on the dock; after he perched. Then, I would step back, and give him his space while he would look at me the whole time. My kids were staring at all of the Tarpin coming to the top of the water and jumping out to splash; so they could have not cared less about him; just as he could care less about them. I suppose...it was all about him and me... When the kids did realize that the Pelican had been on the dock, kind of dancing with me a bit; as when I would back off, he would slowly make his way to me. ...but only to a point... Once Mr. Pelican waddled to a certain point, he would stand there and just look at me, and I him. At some point, I would try to get closer, and when he felt uncomfortable, he would back away. This continued all the way until the time that the Captain of the ship showed up. I am able to have a picture that I took digitally, of the kids standing about 3-5 feet away from being next to Mr. Pelican; and that was the time that the Captain arrived. She told us how this little guy lost his ability to fly, so, the people there take care of him. However, she and all the people there could and did tell me about how Mr. Pelican has NEVER done that before. Some people were watching in the distance, and as we all talked before the trip; I was explained to REPEATEDLY, how he was not social. He would come to the docks where the bread/left over fish were thrown, and he would slowly approach, watching the person for the entire time, before he would take the food and run away. I think that is pretty cool. He was my buddy for the day. :) And when we returned, he waddled towards us, as if to say "good-bye" before we left. However, right as we were pulling up to dock, the storm that was supposed to not happen until 3-5 hours later...followed us back to shore and hit right as we were getting off of the boat. We had a little bit of rain as we were getting back; but as soon as we stepped off of the boat, the downpour and torrential rain began, instantly. – LadyDoriBelle
Hmph...people are quick to throw away the power of symbols that come into one's life, so quickly. Native American, Egyptian, Asian, Buddhist, and so on traditions and symbolism that has been around for ages; has stuck well with their meanings. If something unusual comes into your life...research the spiritual meaning...you may find something that you never thought of or knew about yourself to think of...
So, that is exactly what I did with this little guy who decided to stay by my side, the majority of the time that the kids and I were waiting for our dolphin trip. Yes, while the Dolphin has it's own medicine that it works with, we were purposely there to see them in their natural habitat...we made the effort to visit them and see them and be witness to their glory...
However...that was all planned and what was to be expected.
This little guy...was completely NOT expected, as he followed me around once he caught sight of me. I was told that he came closer to me than anyone before; and many were amazed, as they figured this buddy was injured somehow and could not fly; as they never had seen him once he showed up.
Here is something else that I was planning on putting within that Writing...but I did not realize that...well...let's just say that the Pelican Medicine...almost pretty much says it a lot...
QUOTE FROM 2nd PAGE:
*"Buoyancy *
Unselfishness
Pelican people can rise to the top no matter what life throws at them; no matter how weighed down them become with life’s trials and tribulations.
Emotional turmoil is often the weight in a Pelican person’s life.
Pelican teaches you how not to be overcome by your troubles,
but rather to rise above them.
Pelican shares nesting sites and food with others and
therefore teaches unselfishness.
Teamwork is key for a person with a Pelican totem."
IN RESPONSE:
I do not know about if I can rise to the top, no matter what I have to deal with...but I strive to survive the best that I can.
I give my ALL to my children and to those who mean something to me...ANYONE who has ever had any experiences with me CANNOT deny that fact...
Teamwork...ha! ...sigh... That one is a strong one with me...
First, TEAMWORK...that is the definition...
All that being said; when I view teamwork...I view it in that manner...where there is nothing but honesty and genuine care for the greater whole...
...a community might learn from that to build itself up to be better... ~ ...I'm just sayin'...
I strive to work with people to learn whatever I can and as much as I can, from each encounter that I have. There is ALWAYS something to be learned from every interaction with a person...it does not matter who it is...
One can learn how to become more independent through interactions with another...
One can understand another person's point of view, and then they apply that to their own personal belief system...for whatever cause or reason...
One can learn meanness from some...
One may attain knowledge from others, that are not necessarily found in the public knowledge base...
One may learn a new technique...
And so on an so forth...this can be applied to life...as well as BDSM...
QUOTE FROM 1st PAGE:
"Brown pelicans will fly straight down to let the water out. Since water is the element that carries emotion, this aspect of pelican's medicine – the letting go of the water in the pouch - reminds me of a saying I have posted above my kitchen sink: Let feelings flow; then let them go. It epitomizes how healthy it is to let ourselves feel all our emotions, yet not hold onto them."
Something that I was once again; going to write about in "The Writing" that I have talked about...
I have learned...I must learn to let go...
I need to let go of a lot more than just what I think holds me back from my highest good in order to achieve happiness...
...I also need to let go of whatever the Divine shows me that I must release...whether or not I want to...and whether or not I like it...I need to learn how to let go of whatever is preventing me and my children from attaining our best of blessings...accepting them within ourselves and within our lives...and let go of everything else that just DOES NOT MATTER...
Very slowly, I have come to this understanding and this realization...very much close to the Mayan's "End of The World" day...possibly on the drive to Austin...possibly at the party...possibly when with friends...possibly the drive home...or even possibly all of the above...and possibly more...
I must let go...
I must release all of my expectations...
I have to relinquish all thoughts that I have of being able to control any situation before me...
...I think that one is the hardest...
...sigh...
I need to just give up everything...and hope for the best...no matter what comes my way...
QUOTE FROM 1st PAGE:
"One characteristic of these times that will only increase as an essential quality of life is cooperation. There is an unselfish quality to this totem. Pelican people know how to love deeply and unconditionally. It's also important to balance giving by caring for oneself. It's all in the balance."
Ha! Another one that I was going to write about...
I know that sometimes...well...a lot of times...I give too much to someone or to something that is not worthy...whether it be a situation or a person or a group or an item or just some...thing...
I have learned that I need to learn to take care of myself a lot better than I have been. Though, I repeatedly go to doctors for a variety of reasons...sometimes I will admit, there is not much seriousness or belief in the situation presented to me...whether it is a new medication (I DESPISE when that has to happen...)...
I also need to take care of myself whenever a new event that comes up from someone I know and care about...and it is just too much physical pain for me to bear in order to show them how much I appreciate and support them or their cause...no matter how bad it makes me feel if I miss it and seeing them...I always feel HORRIBLE when I have to do that...
...however...I need to learn to let that guilt go...I need to learn how to accept my physical limitations, but not allow them to become a crutch, at the same time...
I need to take vitamins more consistently...
I need to pay more attention to what my body is telling me; rather than pushing myself beyond the extremes of my profile...to the point of being bed-ridden for days... I need to stop that...
I need to balance myself between my children and their care...as well as myself and my care...
I need to learn how to balance in so many ways...
QUOTE FROM A DIFFERENT PAGE:
[http://www.starstuffs.com/animal_totems/dictionary_of_birds.html]
"Pelican demonstrates the power of reflection and insight, buoyancy in life and how ride the air currents of life. He teaches to rest and relax in spite of life's heavy weight. Pelican balances use of good fortune and abundance with responsibility and priorities. He has the ability to navigate emotions and aids in recovering what is lost whether it be emotional, mental or spiritual. Are you seizing the moment and enjoying what is before you? Do you recognize the abundance you already have? Perhaps it is time to count your blessings? Pelican aids in tapping into your feelings and putting them to wise use all the while peacefully balancing the world on your shoulders."
Do I reflect within myself? OH BOY, DO I EVER!!! Unfortunately...sometimes too much...
I do need to learn how to relax...and TRULY relax...not just accept the surroundings, but still keeping an eye out for the other shoe to drop... I am missing out on so much...
QUOTE FROM A DIFFERENT PAGE:
http://www.nativeamericananimalmedicine.com/animals_o_thru_t.html
"Pelican Medicine -
Meaning: Self-Sacrifice, Plunge-Dive, Abundance"
QUOTE FROM 1st PAGE:
"Full-grown pelicans weigh about fifteen pounds. One of the most unique things about pelicans is that they cannot sink. Air sacs beneath the skin add buoyancy. Are you able to rise up after defeat? Find inner serenity when things get difficult? Pelican medicine can help."
I have been defeated...in so many ways...
I have been beaten down to the breaking point...and then squished further, just for the enjoyment of the other(s) involved...
I have literally, been left for dead; if not for those who cared enough to get involved to aid...
...and...yet...I am somehow still here...above ground...breathing...and living...or...well...trying to, at least...
However, I know now, that I need to try harder to reach out for my wants, needs, and desires...instead of just laying down and accepting what I think is the only thing that can be done...
I need to get in gear, grab myself by my boot straps, put on my "Bad-Bitch" panties, strap on my "Don't Fuck With Me" bra, strap on my...well...strap on...and get ready for whatever may come at me...and learn how to enjoy everything happening at the same time...
QUOTE FROM 1st PAGE:
"She usually lays two eggs. Both tend the nest and feed their young regurgitated food. This symbolizes that one should teach young people (especially our own children) by example, and only what we have digested and know ourselves. The adult can fly as much as 100 miles a day to find enough food to feed the two chicks."
I found it interesting that Pelicans only lay 2 eggs at a time...and...well...I have my 2 and my ONLY 2 eggerittos...
I am PROUDLY cut, cauterized, snipped, and burned; after a piece of the tube was removed...I wanted 2...I had 2...I AM DONE...I am not about to have a litter...
Though...I digress...
With this, I have and I will continue to fly to the ends of the earth for either one of my 2 children...not another soul could make me have the ability or determination in order to do that...period.
QUOTE FROM 1st PAGE:
"Pelicans have an uncanny ability to sense change. They can tell when a storm is coming or the tides are turning, even when seemingly asleep. As change on the planet accelerates, many of us are experiencing the same sensitivities as pelican."
OH! I DESPISE CHANGE!!! EVER-SO MUCH!!!
However...I can feel it coming in the winds, at times...and THAT is when my guards are put up INSTANTANEOUSLY...
...even though I know that I need to learn how to deal with it... ...sigh...I am working on that too...
...as I was going to write about...
This is only part of the blessings that I wish for others...even those who have wronged me...
I must learn how to accept this within myself...and that is why I chose this picture to be the last one in my gallery...
As many blessings, well-wishes, and care that I send and give towards others...I have learned...as I was going to write about...once again...that, I must learn this for me as well...for I too deserve to walk in a Sacred Manner...and revel in every step taken...
...
You know...as I look back through this before I submit it for publishing on the site...I realized...almost all of this is what I was going to write about...so...
I guess I will just finish it here...
...it only makes sense...
...though...I admit...it is sad that it took me all the way until that point to realize that I was writing my Writing...just without knowing it...
...hmph...
...go figure...
21 December 2012 ~ The Mayan's prediction for "The End of The World"
...and to a degree...for me...it really did become a reality...
Obviously, not in the way where the Earth has blown up into smitherinies and the Universe imploded within itself...
...and...yet...to a metaphysical degree...for me it had...
I will explain...
I have journals that I have created for each child. In each book, I will randomly write something that I want to tell them, or my love for them, or how proud I am for a success that they made themselves overcome, or etc...
Yesterday, I wrote to them about Christmas and whatnot...but I realized that most likely, until they are much older in age...they do not know about the "Mayan Day of Doom"...so...I wrote a little about it to them.
Throughout today's exercise...I have touched on many points and conclusions that I have come to from that day, and here, I am going to try to put it all together...
On 21 December 2012 (12/12/12), was the day that the Mayan Culture predicted that would be the last day for existence.
No one truly knew, one way or the other...but everyone made their jokes and commentary as they felt...however...no matter what...each person that knew about the "Day of Doom" did at least one of these things...
1.) Pray...or some form of hoping to their belief system, with possible ritual...that IF this just so happened to be the truth...that their good deeds out-weighed their bad-deeds - should there be an afterlife...
2.) Spend time with friends/go to a party/whatever...for the just in case that this just may be the last day on earth...
3.)* Live life as normal, and hope for the best...
I knowingly and un-knowingly did both that day...and I guess...throughout that weekend...
KNOWINGLY
SITUATION #1.) I did make a prayer to myself...I will completely admit it freely...because...in all honesty...who knew?
In personal belief, I do not think that one person could come up with the EXACT date that "The End" would be...for...in my opinion...I think that is pretentious for anyone to assume that they are "All-Knowing" enough to have that ability...hence...that person/group would basically be a "God-Like" being...
I do believe that the Divine is within every single being and creature within the universe...however,..I am not going to start talking religious beliefs...I am just going with the "Over-All God/dess" Divine Being...whatever one believes it is called...
SITUATION #2.) I made sure that I spent extra time with my handsome man and my parents, before I left to go to Austin. Had I not gone to the Apple Store...I would have made it to see my daughter...but...a phone is kinda important...though...at the same time...not as important as my children...but still...it is an excuse - but I did need my phone for the trip...
THANKFULLY, I was able to visit with her the next day...for longer than I expected (and I SO appreciate)...and we had so much fun together... I am still smiling from the time with her... :D
SITUATION #3.) That day was life...looking back on it...that IS my life...
And that is part of my discovery to "The End of the World" for me...
UNKNOWINGLY
SITUATION #1.) I know that I was hoping and wishing for the best situation, in all ways...what I did NOT realize, is in that wishing and hoping, it made me realize that I was holding on to too many things, to keep on my plate...
I realized that it was time to start to let go...
I realized that I need to heal more than I have thought...
I realized that things within me, within my surroundings, within my life, within my children and their lives, within everything that was a part of me and who I am...it is time to give up on certain things... ~ somethings I already know...and somethings I do not know... ~ either way...I am hoping that I am working on allowing things that are not for my highest good to pass through and pass around me...and not to allow it to affect me negatively anymore...to allow things to "just be"...and go on their way; only keeping the positive aspects...and ALLOWING myself to ACCEPT the positivity to engulf me and mine; in the best ways possible, as all that gook goes and vanishes; out and FAR away from us...and me...
SITUATION #2.) In some ways, I knew that I was allowing myself to flow a little bit more freely at at all my gatherings, with each group of people.
Looking back...I did not realize how much inhibitions I allowed to come out of me...
...and as I look back...there is no regret...only joyous thoughts and memories...
SITUATION #3.) I realized, as I said...I WAS living my life...
Being with my son...in any way, shape, or form...THAT is living my life...
Spending quality time with my parents...THAT is living my life...
Doing everything that I possibly can do; in every way possible that I am able to, my daughter...THAT is living my life...
I realized that those 3 entities...THOSE ARE MY LIFE...
...they are me and I am them...and we ebb and flow as life's river takes us on each of our individual journeys...
...together...and apart...
I realized...that when my times are apart...I need to live MY life...MY WAY...to PLEASE ME...
...I...I think...I think that it is almost time for a trip down an unknown road...for...it...it has been QUITE some time...
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1333594
How much irony as to the facts of what once was my life as to the point in time of the Mayan calendar, how simply to see how in that moment how accurate I was despite what I was sarcastically writing as to making the best of the situations combined. Ironically, I suppose...
My son #Letters4James and my daughter #Letters4Lidia, I truly did the best I could and I hope you truly know as well as understand as well as comprehend the reality of such truths. I love you both, and I hope the best possibilities as I have genuinely in truth worked for the best possible outcomes.