Despite what I have endured throughout my life I truly hope you two knew in every single situation when taking care of you and when out in the world doing as best as I could, I have tried to be someone who you would be proud of. I know I have not always been the smartest nor the fastest, but everything I have done was in attempts to prepare you for life as well as show you how much I care.
Lidia, though I had the least amount of time with you; I truly tried in every way to give you everything you needed. I gave you all of my love as my daughter to try to give you the life I never had in the most good and beneficial ways possible. Though I wanted the ability to be with you as you grew up, the circumstances did not allow that; of which I have tried to figure what to do to repair such in so many ways.
James, though I had the most amount of time with you; I tried to teach you responsibility and respect while giving you everything you needed. I gave you all of my love as my son and I did what I could to give you the most good and beneficial life I could in all ways I possibly could. I tried to be smart enough to help, I have tried to figure ways to better repair such as well.
Both of you I have loved with all of my heart equally and for the best I could do for you, and though life experiences have been what they have; I genuinely apologize for not being able to figure everything out quicker for you two. I did everything I could to keep both of you as safe as I could, despite what I had to deal with the ensure of such. If I had been smarter, so many things could have been prevented. I wish I had been able to see and to know what I could have done better in those individual seconds and moments, but I did and have loved you as only a mom could.
Though Lidia I had not been able to teach you some things, I did what I could. James though I was able to teach you certain things, I tried to keep it in a balanced way. Though I was kept in the room where I was, I still tried to be a good mom for you. However I think you know how it was difficult for me to walk out of the room as the responses and looks I received when opening the door, I was informed of how burdensome I was for doing so. In order to get to you I took more steps to get upstairs as fast as I could, to not deal with the problems which arose when I opened the door to simply ask a question; and going to speak with you I dealt with lectures of which was explained to me of being too much of a mom to you, before being sent back to the room in Lakewood Washington.
If I was smarter I would have known about being targeted sooner than it took me to figure that out, and I am sorry and so apologetic for such. The same in reference to you Lidia, if I had known of how just being me would have been a problem at McCoy Elementary School in Carrollton Texas; I would have known who to contact for help then. Maybe I was niave for believing when the Guidance Counselor Angela Reiter/Rieter told me "McCoy Elementary School does not have Special Needs Education Programs for you or your children because of you" the many times she had and the same in regards to Principal Dawn Rink each time they did between school years of 2008 September through April 2010; but I did try to get help in every way I could for you in school. I went to the parent teacher meetings and I went to speak with the staff of, though I was constantly denied even though I felt I was correct of such being available for you in the school. Though you Lidia were put into District Therapy Session in October 2009, the Carrollton Farmers Branch Independent School District had not put you into a Special Needs Education schedule of which I did not learn until 2011 that was mandatory for that school and school district to do.
Though I wrote much more of various aspects in the first two books I wrote about though specifically in "Finding A Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" but also "Finding The Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" in hopes you would be able to see everything I tried, so life for you could be better and easier to comprehend or at minimum understand of how much I tried to do to correct aspects; while knowing how much my love and care for you had always been. Admittedly when realizing I could publish the books after going through The Library of Congress when finding Amazon allowed such, I thought it would be a way to ensure others did not have to suffer in the same way. The various aspects I endured I wanted to do what I could as going up the proverbial Chain of Command, could be assisted so others did not have to endure such hardships either.
Though unconventional, I did try what I could. James while I know you wanted me to be in a healthy relationship and eventually find someone to be married to; I told you of how the person had to be of good nature and a good man who is responsible. Lidia while you wanted me to be married to a man who you thought would be ideal, I explained to you the man had to be able to be truthful and of honest intentions with integrity. Both of you were told the same thing though with different words not to confuse you but because I believed and believe a marriage is a long term commitment of which growing together in such a form and fashion is extremely important and because of what I endured over the years up to those points; I needed to be with someone who genuinely was willing and able while understanding and with a good heart of good nature who would be strong enough as well as want to be with me. I know ironically of all things that is the one aspect of which I have gone forward into because of what was necessary at the various times.
I love you both and only want the best for you as I hope you also want for me as well, though I am proud you are my children; as I always have been proud to be your mom.
Loving you always and forever,
Love always and forever,
Your Mommy