James and Lidia,
Hopefully you are both doing well, and I miss you both so very much. I hope you know with each way I try to do the best I can, I try to keep in mind to be the best I can. I never want either of you to wonder if I care, as I always want and wanted you to be proud of me as your mom. Though there has been much which has occurred over the years since you each were individually conceived and I carried you through to each of your deliveries and cared for you as children while growing up and still caring for you while missing each of you so much; I hope you both know even though it has been a long amount of time since I have seen you, the two of you have always remained in my thoughts and prayers for your best; as well as for my best as well. I truly wish my abilities to help you were better than what they are and though I can only do so much to ensure the best for each of you, I hope you know I tried everything I could within the moral and ethical standards I could think of which you could always look back at our time together as well as in what I did in public settings knowing I had done everything I could for the best possible outcome, during each given circumstance. I tried to ensure while doing the best I could for each of you I was also always able to be able when I had to, to look into my own eyes in the mirror without feeling shame for anything immoral or unethical as I knew better than to do such.
Though such might be considered as a childish view of the world or looking through such experiences with hope-filled prayers and maybe because of my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury and the after effects thereof have assisted such a youthful view of the world and all situations throughout, I truly only wanted the best possible outcomes in the short term and the long term for you; as well as myself, though I admittedly feel selfish for admitting such. Though the time as a family had not been as long as I had hoped and wished for as the typical standard is supposed to be until each of you were around the age of 18 years old and though yes I was blessed to be able to have time with James until just before his turning of age however such without you Lidia, has been a struggle of which I have not allowed my emotions to show to those who could not at minimum understand.
The past several years on top of the time beforehand of which I have tried to do everything I possibly could to still do my best while maintaining composure over my emotions so as to not be a problem, I cannot explain in words the difficulties thereof. Trying to ensure both of you would be able to see at some point of my attempts of always keep my promises to you as well as to myself, has been far more difficult than some could ever imagine. Though I had fought literally, figuratively, and metaphorically to stay in the state of Texas when certain situations occurred with your biological father; only because of what was necessary for James as well as you Lidia (of course) to recuperate after what occurred and the aftermath because of Carrollton Farmers Branch Independent School District at McCoy Elementary School because of the lack of the ARD/IEP/Special Needs Education for the safety during the Fort Worth Zoo Field Trip in 2010 had I ever considered leaving the areas of the state of Texas; only after the year of 2013 began.
Admittedly James and I were discussing moving to the state of Florida however after the issues which occurred at Cowboys Dance Hall in San Antonio Texas and though I had spoken with several people who were important to me about moving to the state of Florida with James, after the paperwork had officially been filed after several months (the paperwork was filed in the later part of December 2012 and not until the middle of February of 2013 had James and I started discussing Florida); the individual who I had met after being targeted as I was at Cowboys Dance Hall during the Stoney LaRue concert in March of 2013 from that group with Kevin had made commentary which made sense to me at the time. Albeit he (Jesse Leroy Hoover Jr) knew of my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury and the after effects thereof and looking back seemingly knew more than what I had explained in reference to my issues with technology (especially when looking back to the time at Best Buy in Portland Oregon when speaking with the Geek Squad employee in August or September of 2013); had looking at Arizona state occurred in the April 2013 time.
However when the threats to me online in emails and messages on various social media platforms were so atrocious and such had made my fears elevate in ways I had already told many I knew of being threatened to be kept in a cage at the foot of my captors bed for years, in January of 2013 those threats escalated further and further. The threats I received online began after I was dating who some could make fun of me for considering as my first true love, after he left for Basic Training and his ex-girlfriend had started harassing the two of us before he left. I did not know how to tell him while he was in training and I had no idea of who to contact about such, but I had tried everything I could to always make sure you two as my children knew I was always doing and being at my best as best as I could. I had discussed the threats with other people I knew at the time, but they brushed me off saying "it wasn't that big of a deal" or I "was being melodramatic/over-dramatic" and the like.
Your Grandparents on my biological side of the family and Aunt Patty did not ever approve of him and I dating, and they could not understand how much I truly loved him; nor why I could. Your Aunt Patty said "he is too smooth" whereas you Grandparents (my biological parents) thought he "was just a pretty boy" and "a phase"; where as you Lidia especially thought he and I would last, whereas you James thought he needed to prove himself to be worthwhile. Though you did not say in the ways of my biological parents, I knew you were being protective of me because though I tried not to show how upset I was when certain events occurred while he was in Basic Training; I accidentally one time left the door open, and I had to explain to you why I was upset in a way you could understand at the time. Both of you were so cute when trying to convince me of certain aspects in reference to him, though in your own individual ways; however life went the way it had as while you Lidia thought he and I were going to get married, James you thought he needed to show his intentions to be of purity in regards to me. Lidia while I explained to you of marriage being of importance but not the only aspect of a relationship and the strength needed to be secure in oneself before ever considering marriage to someone, James I explained to you of how certain aspects of life sometimes have varying aspects to also pay attention to and not to always be so cynical when looking at people who are seeking a relationship with me; though I know you were both very protective of me as both of you just wanted the best for your mom as I wanted the best for each of you individually, and as our family unit.
Though I had began writing what became my first two books "Finding A Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" and "Finding The Silver Lining By: Susan MeeLing" back when your biological father was alive and before the final separation had occurred because of my fears of if he had lived what would occur to me, of which I tried to make sure there was a record of which you two would be able to find to know despite whatever you were told of me if my fears had become as I was afraid of because of how violent he was towards me; if I had perished (which thankfully I did not die and I am still alive) you two would know though weakened because of the aspects of my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury in certain ways, the strength of my love had kept me going strong as long as I could and as best as I could. I had told people about such writings just as long as I had been working on such, including my own biological parents and biological sister. Though they especially scoffed at the idea of me ever writing anything anyone would ever consider as worthwhile as they told me "What could you possibly ever write or say that would ever be of any worth to anyone? What could you tech anyone that they don't know? What sort of background do you think you have, that can actually be of any help or use to anyone? Who would ever want to pay for anything you could ever write, and what good use could anything you write or say be of to anyone?" Though they were not the only ones who told me such before I ever published the first two books and not forgetting the other 6 books I wrote and published eight books in total, maybe one day I will be able to prove all of those people they were wrong about me.
However I wanted to write this quick little note to let you know though I have not posted online through social media from 2015 until this year of 2019 and I have not used the name in writing of Lady Dori Belle online except for the twitter account associated with the link on my website since 2012 or 2013 because I thought if the name changed I would not receive threats online anymore, though to now I know better from what I experienced after and then completely stopped being online except for my website to update my Medal of Honor Art Project and a random blog journal here and there. I thought if I made a website you would have an easier time distinguishing me from anyone else because of the ways I saw how social media was going, and I wanted to ensure you could truthfully find me. Though drivers licenses/military identification/etcetera would be easy because of my middle name MeeLing (which I have used as a last name since earning certain spiritual/religious healing techniques officially as well as my Reverend title before my Masters and Teacher titles of my SCUBA certifications); I thought such would be an easier way for you to be able to keep track of what I was doing to know even though I might not always have the ability to deal with the emotions of what I felt/feel when missing you, you would have a message you could always find and see I had cared and always do care about you; as well as the first two books and The Curious Children Book Series I wrote for you two.
James, you were my inspiration for the character Marshall in "The Curious Children Book Series: By: Susan MeeLing". Lidia, you were my inspiration for Seraphina in "The Curious Children Book Series By: Susan MeeLing". Due to the fact I was unsure when either of you would be able to fully understand and/or process the FSL books, I tried to write "The Curious Children Book Series: Volume One: What is a Family? By: Susan MeeLing" and "The Curious Children Book Series: Volume Two: What difference does it make? By: Susan MeeLing" in a format which you could follow along with easily, and maybe help other children and adults learn a different way to view certain circumstances. Though I never wanted you or anyone to ever feel badly, I knew there were other people who were had similar life circumstances and needed a more positive outlook of how to look at certain aspects of their life which may have not made as much sense to them; but could find a silver lining to how the aspects of their circumstances had gone in their lives.
For example Grandpa Hom had gone through various aspects of which I tried to save you from Lidia, and I thought maybe he could see something positive; just as your Uncle David had gone through certain aspects of which I thought maybe could give a more positive view of different aspects. Also seeing if I could assist others in their lives to be more tolerant of and accepting of when in reference to discussing childhood and teenage life experiences as adults, when looking for more beneficial points of time in their lives. Though not necessarily 100% perfect, I hoped it was good enough to give a little window into a more positive view point. In turn, thus giving both of you the knowledge and comprehension of how much I had always and do care for you and your best interests in the short term as well as the long term. Also because of how The United States of America's Armed Forces varying branches and divisions need to be able to rely on one another when out in the field to know there is someone who has their back when in the middle of situations, each branch and division of the fire department/law enforcement/medical services/military have a series of training which assists them to be able to trust in one another when the "s**t hits the fan". Thus even though your biological father had chosen what he had, you could also see there are far more good apples than bad apples.
I truly miss both of you so very much and I truly hope both of you are doing much better than before, and I hope you know I love you. I always have loved both of you, and I always will love both of you; as both of you are my children, and I am so very proud of both of you being such.
Loving you always and forever,
Love always and forever,
Your Mom